mystifying but then profoundly understandable. What a feeling. I am half empty
for I have to let go of my priceless possessions, living memories, the simplest
joys, silent refuge, my beautiful hideout. And the hardest part is that I cant do
anything about it. Half full – for something to look forward to, a prosperous
future awaits for me… the hope of a new and better memories to cherish.. of
adventure.. of love.. I heard a voice whispering in my ear telling me that
contentment is about to arrive only if I accept what I comprehend, and then
I’ll get full, which I know I haven’t yet. Hope it’ll be soon. Can’t bear the
pain anymore.

This past few days, I’ve been quite happy in
spite the difficulties. Truly I am. But there’s a fear in me that fate will turn
its back to me and leave me again as confused, lonely human being in the
planet. But tonight I’ve decided to
just set my mind – to be happy – happy as I can be as I cherish every minute of
that blissful state. To help add even an inch towards getting full.

can you say that enough is enough? If
you know for yourself that you want nothing less but more. Not empty, not
half.. but full. 120706
Yes, I understand now that
whatever life brings, there is a purpose which only happen to be unrealized yet
but it will eventually follows. I always say to myself that anywhere the wind
blows, it doesn’t matter.. I can get through. I know I can. Guess im in the
so-called “process” of moving on,, punyeta! whatever that means!

It seems that my life is in
chaos. The emptiness I feel is caused by several problems settling in my way
that turned my direction in a different path. Trying to focus and yet wanting
to lose control. Thinking for a solution but hopelessness and sadness gets in
the way. Faint. A month or two from now things will be all different and hard
for me but still I haven’t got any plan or even options for myself. Still in
the state of shock? Yeah, maybe a couple of weeks now.. ugh! I allow myself to.

How to deal with changes by really trying…

As much as possible I try to
avoid being senti,, I had enough especially during my insomniac hours! Im
losing my appetite and whats keeping me alive and kicking are coffee and
cigarettes (exajj!). Sometimes I want to shout out loud, to smash things, to
throw everything out of the door and watch fragile things broke into pieces!
Arghh! I just imagine myself doing those but never got the courage to do so!
(takot ko nalang sa daddy ko!! Hehe!) TV got into my nerves,, I cant leave the
remote alone. Work and work in the office,, chat and chat and laugh and laugh,
I really need it I guess, otherwise insanity may come along. Thanks for the friends
who are still around and even more challenged to handle such senselessness (the
band-aid-brigade as I call it). My current theme song: hand in my pocket – “Im
lost but im hopeful.. Im free but im focused.. im green but im wise.. im sad but im laughing.. yeah! So what it all comes down to, is there
anything gonna be fine, fine, fine? Coz I have one hand in my pocket and the
other one is giving a peace sign!”
Sometimes we’ve been enjoying too much in our comfort zones.. but then time comes that it will be taken away from us,, everything changes.. its true, and its quite hard to face it,, to leave the comfort zones, the security, to test our wings and fly.. and to find ourselves experiencing the love from our own making.

Just few months ago, I was taught by fate that we really have to learn to let go of the things that we are afraid to lose. No matter how much we’re attached to them, no matter how hard we try, no matter how firm we hold on, how much care we gave,, still we need to learn how to let it go.. it may sound so sad, but hey! its really very sad, and I could say that that’s one the hardest thing that I encountered in my life - so far. I lose few of my material things that are very essential to me., I am a sentimental person and I love to put sentimental values on my things. That’s me. and the thought of losing them sucks! Changes took place and it really took time for me to recover.

But losing material things is not as bad as losing important people in our lives.. that’s incomparable.. And its terrible,, it makes your brain freeze that you cant think of anything anymore.. Its like you’re back to zero that you don’t know how to begin at all. Again, changes took place and lead my life in the direction that I didn’t planned at all. Yes it brought my emotions to the lowest mode but it gave me time to think of other things that I can do, potentials to improve myself..

Haha! Why am I writing about this sort of things?! How ridiculous it is to write about your own sloppiness and lunatic moments. Now im laughing at myself! Yeah right! Im laughing at myself! And I am happy! I don’t know for what reason but I am genuinely happy! (^^,)

Back to changes..

I always get teary eyed by the songs themed by changes.. especially about friends. some lines goes like this.. “paminsan minsan lang tayo mgkasama, di pa pwedeng magtagal,habol ang oras nagmamadali parang si Cinderella..”, “parang ang bagal ng panahon pag wala ka, alam kong walang dapat sisihin na akoy nadito aat nandyan ka..”, “pana-panahon ng pagkakataon maibabalik ba ang kahapon?” ugh! Those songs made me really nostalgic! But it feels good somehow..

“I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS LOOKING for and my time is running wild a million dead-end streets… Every time I thought I’d got have made and seemed the taste is not so sweet. So I turned myself to face me but I’ve never caught a glimpse of how others must see the faker I’m much too fast to take the test.”

Yes I m happy right now,, but in the other end, some things continue to cling on my mind.. “can I sail through the changing of ocean tide, or can I handle the season of my life,, oh, I don’t know.” Can I still make it the next time around? Can I still hold on? Oh God, why do things have to change at all? Why is it that as much as you want to stay right, other people, especially your loved ones would want to turn left? Why is that you cant do anything bout it? why do we need to depart our ways? Why does pursuing your dreams may mean letting go of the beautiful things that you once had? Why it is sometimes when you’re lost in bitterness nobody is there to save? Why is it that one day in your routinal life you’ll stop and think for a while and realize that you still don’t know what you’re looking for? that you’re still not getting what you really want..that for unknown reason, you can’t really identify what you truly want.. Vague, isn’t it? Its not that im being neurotic or something, its just this junks happen to drop by to my brain and it gently internalized them. ^_^

In today’s world of down sizing, finite positions, uncertainty,, change is inevitable and the effects are unpredictable. Today, with my dreams not yet realized, I am quite happy. I am currently satisfied with the lessons I am gaining from each trials im encountering. I am enjoying every step that my life takes me, always open to learning new things and creating perfect balances, gradually putting my passion into action. I like myself when im having this time to think about what’s going on in my life, it made me realized how much I’ve changed. Well anyway, things might seem so unclear for now,, but one thing is certain,, there’s a purpose,, Yeah! And im being hopeful that I may be able to understand them one day. and as the song goes “So make the best of this test and don’t ask why It’s not a question but a lesson learned in time” Yes! They also said it wont be easy,, but I believe it will be all worth it after all.

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly
so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

>>bull's eye
Yehey! Maligayang kaarawan sa akin! Isang taon na naman ng nakalipas,, akalain mo, ang bilis nga naman ng panahon,, sinu nga ba ang ba mag-aakala na dalamput-tatlong taon na kong nabubuhay dito sa mundong ito! Hmm,eto na naman ako,, hindi ko na naman alam kung anung mararamdaman ko.. pero naramdaman ko na to dati. Siguro mga three years ago,, kasama ko mga close friends ko,, sina donna at jenny.. sa kanlungan. Naaalala ko pa,, tamang tama ang panahon na un para mag balik tanaw sa mga pangyayari sa buhay ko. (Sana naalala niyo pa.. )
Gayunpaman, napakasaya ko ngayong araw nato dahil muli ay sama-sama na naman kaming ngsimba mag-aama. Tapus kumain sa labas., parang gaya ng dati! Nung ngang papasok kami ng simbahan, nasabi ng daddy ko,, “naalala ko pa nung may kotse pa tayo,, namumroblema tayo kung san magpapark dito..” ang nasabi ko nalang,, “daddy, tapus na un”. Tama! Iba noon iba ngayon. Sobra. Dapat nang umurong pasulong!

Kamakailan lang nag-iisip ako ng kung papano ko gaganapin ang aking kaarawan. Gusto kong maghanda katulad nung isang taon. Pero naisip ko,, di ko kakayanin. Ang dami kasing nangyari sakin, daming gastusin ang kelangan kong kaharapin kaya samakatwid ay hindi aku makakapaghanda ng katulad noon kahit gusto ko. Pero isa lang ang gusto ko,, ang maging makahulugan ito tulad ng iba ko pang naging kaarawan. Pero panu nga ba? Napag-isip-isip ko, ang laki ng talaga ng pinagbago ko ngayon kumpara nung isang taon. Sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na pangyayari,, marami akong naunwaan sa buong taon. Mga pagtangap sa mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari kahit hindi ko gusto,, ang pagkawala ko mula sa nasimulan kong magandang plano sa buhay ko, ang pagkawala ng maraming importanteng bagay na nagturo sa akin na magpatuloy sa pagsabay sa agos kahit wala na ang mga ito, ang maunawaan ang napakarami kong kahinaan bilang tao at kung papaano ko ito malalampasan sa paraang hindi ko kinakailangang tumakas.
Nakakatuwang isipin n habang nas gitna ako ng ganitong pagmumuni,, hindi ko inasahang may ibibigay sa aking gawain ang Diyos na mgbabago ng aking pananaw sa kaarawan kong naturingan kong “walang buhay”. Na mula sap pg-iisip ko para sa aking sarili ay napabaling ang aking atensyon sa pag-aaral ng isang topic na kailangn kong ilahad sa isang malking grupo, na isang araw na lamang ang nalalabi nang nakuha ko ng outline. Ang isang topic na dapat ay pinag-aaralan ng isang linggo bago ang paglalahad ay apat na oras ko lamang napag-aralan at napaghusayan. Sa awa ng Diyos, sabado ng gabi, ay maluwalhati kong nailahad ang mensahe. Ako mismo ay nagulat kung papaanong nagawa ko ang isang mahirap na serbisyo para sa king mga kapatid na kung iispin ay hindi ko kakayanin kung sarili ko lamang lakas at katalinuhan ng aking gagamitin. Nagulat ako sa mensaheng napulot ko na nagmula sa sarili kong mga labi!
Mula ng gabing iyon,maliwanag ang naging regalo sa kin ng Diyos! Nagbukas Siya ng bagong pintuan para sa kin. Inilabas Niya ang isang potensiyal ko na hndi ko inasahang tataglayin ko dahil narin sa aking pisikal na limitasyon. Nagkaroon ko ng bagong pagkakakilanlan sa sarili ko. Masuwerte ako sa komyunidad na kinabibilngan ko na ginagmit ng Diyos pra mailabas ko pa ang ibang natatangi kong kakayanan nang muli pa ay makabalik ako sa dating ako, sa personal kong layunin.., mula sa dati nitong pagkaligaw.

Sa dami ng mga realisasyon na ito,, hindi lang Niya binigyang buhay ang kaarawan ko.. kundi binigyan ng mas konkretong direksyon na kakailanganin ko para sa pagpasok ko sa taong ito!! Saya diba?!! Isang matamis na paglalakbay!! ^_^ <06.18.06>
I have the need to write..
I don’t know for what reason but I believe I really have to..Tamang-tama, wala si daddy,, solong solo ko ang computer! Sa wakas nakakapag-sound trip na naman ako ng talagang malakas! Bawal umangal ang mga kapit-bahay once na patutugtugin ko ang personal sound track ko >> eheads! Isarado nalang nila mga bintana nila kapag narining na nila ang butterscotch, hey jay, slomo, milk and money, andalusian dog, saturn return, waiting for the bus, hahaha, at ang iba pang eternal favorite hits ko ng eheads!
Life can sometimes be very confusing.. eventhough you know for yourself whats your reason for living, the direction.. but then along the way you’ll find yourself losin your way,,,
I guess that’s the way it is. “at ngayon, di pa rin alam kung bat tayo nandito, pwede bang itigil mo na ang pag-ikot ng mundo.” Sometimes we tend to runaway, to escape,, but at the end of the day, you’ll ask.. I’m running away from what?? what for??
Tama ba talaga na isipin na theres something missing in your life? Sa kabila ng blessings na natatamo natin.. bakit hindi parin tayo nakuntento? Tapus pag may problema tayo, sobra galit natin sa mundo without even realizing kung anu-ano na nga ba mga pinag-gagagawa natin sa mga buhay natin? Minsan kasi may pagkakataon na kapag alam natin sa sarili natin na tama tayo (kahit mali) we tend to justify it! (un parang: masakit ngipin mo pero kain ka pa rin ng ice cream kasi trip mo,, mangangat’wiran ka “according to studies ok daw kumain ng ice cream kapag masakit ang ngipin para ma-reverse mo ung sakit.. parang +1-1=0” tapus maya-maya, tahimik kana lang sa isang tabi sa sakit ng ngipin mo na umabot na hanggang sa ulo mo). minsan kahit pointless sige paren.. “eh trip ko e!” im happy with what im doing, nobody can stop me!” pwede ring ‘I have the right to do whatever I wanted to!” freewill kumbaga! Tapos ang masaklap dun.. kapag nag-fail tayo sa ibang bagay,, we tend to blame other people for the failure. Maaaring pamilya natin, nanay, tatay, mga utol, kaibigan, gf/bf. Nadadamay na minsan pati past mo, ung upbringing sayo, environment, gobyerno.. (naks! getting intellectual kuno! Hehehe!). The inclination of getting what we need or want as the best things to get rid of the said failure is chasing you! we’re trying to believe that there really is something missing in our life, well in fact we just failed to recognize the best things, the best people, best resources and assets that we already have which is also what we need to make the most out of our lives.
Di kaya nagiging pasaway lang tayo sa buhay? Kahit minsan alam na alam naman natin ang tama at mali pero nagiging pasaway lang talaga! Wanna prove something out of ourselves?? Taking for granted the things that are essential to us like our studies, works, relationships.. time.
Hindi ako nagsusulat ngayon para manermon o magbigay ng advise.. well, kung tamaan ka, mas mainam.. pero higit kanino man gusto kong sabihin to sa sarili ko! (nya nya nya!!)
Eto na yata ung sinasabi sakin ng ka-brod ko tungkol sa “Delay Obedience” – Psalms 119:60 (getting spiritual now!).Ouch!! un ung pagpapaliban sa paggawa ng tama,,sa pagsunod! un din ung mga katwiran na "saka na ko magpapakabait,, wanna have fun now! wanna live my life to the fullest!" –OK! may ganun akong tendencies e! pero parang mali yata..
Why delay Madj? Move! Move! Go ahead! Anu pang hinihintay mo? You have a lot of things you want to do out of your life diba.. so what are you doing? Why are you messing around? Forget about those failures! Sail on! How soon is now??
Truly, its hard to move forward if everyone around you are moving so fast that you don’t know if you could be as good as them as you run your own life.. just fight the good fight! “You just look to the left and just look to the right, nakikita mo naman na hindi pantay-pantay. Hey, hey, hey, hey jay, be happy everyday, everything’s gonna be okay!”
Well, for me… getting ahead means… first of all,, swallow and digest this article! (yeah right!), write in my new journal again, after I lost them ( ;< ), finish reading my book so I can fin’ly start my new one (feed my mind!), clean our house, try to get up early so I can cook our breakfast, empty my pending tray.. at marami pang iba!!

“ngunit kahit ano, makakarating din tayo, kung saan man tayo patungo ang daan ma’y liku-liko minsan malabo.. kita-kita sa dulo!”
Just recently, I was lucky enough to catch on one of my fave channel, a good movie that touched my heart not so long ago. It was a story of a group of friends that at first would leave a “corney” impression but later on would strike you stra ight to your heart. I don’t used to watch this kind of movies casted by a lot of young stars because definitely im not impressed by their acting tied with how they pronounce their words and delivering their dialogues, etc. But this time, although I have seen the movie once, but it seems to affect me like no any other movies have touched me. Simply because… I can relate to it. The way we (my friends) talked, how we shared something about ourselves, how we laughed at silly jokes each one throws, the way we plan our “gimmicks”.. haayyy… It immediately gave me a teary eye.. “Kuya” just have reminded me of my friends’ significant portion in mine especially in this time of my life.

“pana-panahon ng pagkakataon maibabalik ba ang kahapon…”

Personally, I have a lot of friends. That’s undeniably true! I have been involved to several organizations and wherever you plunk me, I can always have somebody to get along with. And unlike any other, I am blessed enough to meet a lot of “true friends”, who will stick with me no matter what! Those describes in songs.. ”keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure… that’s what friends are for!!”. These friends of mine are those I met along the way towards adolescence…

“Minsan sa may kalayaan tayo, nagkatagpuan, may mga sari-sariling hilig at kanya-kanyang hangad sa buhay..”
But let me share this to you., Im very much grateful to belong to an extraordinary kind of friends I met during college. You may think that we’re just a typical barkada.. the type of group who can be with you during gimmick times, tripping moments and inuman sessions. but to tell you.. they’ve caught the very huge part of my heart! Coz I believe, it was with them that I had been molded to a better person that I am now! it is with them that I learned a lot of things a person needs to grow emotionally. It is with them that I had experienced freedom, freedom to be myself which allowed me to understand more about being me. It is with them that I was inspired to do things I thought I can’t.
Actually I really don’t know why I keep on telling these things. But how could I not?

“ ilalim ng iisang bubong mga sikreto’y ibinubulong, kahit na anung mangyari, kahit na saan ka man patungo…”

I was broken then and I was trying to find somewhere to belong to. I want to find myself, my significance. I don’t even know how to start. I guess that’s how I was lost, maybe that’s the effect of losing a mother in an early stage, but I wasn’t aware of that by that time. Then I met them.. in fact, I find them the kind of people I cant stand with. Simply because they seem so serious and studious,, and I am not! Along the way I found many group of friends who introduced me to some kind of freedom I thought I really longed for. I took a grasp of this so-called freedom and i had fun! I just found myself coming back for more of what they can offer. Challenging myself,, how far can I go?

“di ko inakala na magkakaganito, wala namang nagsabi na malabo ang mundo, di narin namin inaasahang maintindihan, alam naman nilang wala kaming pakialam kung san man tutungo at kung kailan kami hihinto,, kung bukas man o bukas pa, tuluyan nang tapusin ang kanta…”

Suddenly, I came to realize that as I get high on other things, my grades are falling down. I even tried to convince myself and other people that I was just a “typical” teen who’s still longing for adventures in life, that the fun is part of it. I tried to balance everything just to prove them that I can. Years passed. Although I might say that I’ve been involved to a lot of good groups that opened my mind to a lot of important things around me, in society in general. And I believe im in the right track. But I know deep inside me that there’s something missing in me as a student. . I failed to give importance to the things that really matters. Time came that I realized that I need to cut down my extracurricular activities to be able to balance my priorities. A lot of ups and downs happened to me. But its just so amazing that after all this time, my dear friends are with me! They are even willing to stop their own world just to pull me up,, as I may describe it.
Then, I recognized their support for me. There were times that they help me to catch up to all that I have missed. Teaching me lessons that Im not familiar with and helping me in group works, discussions and projects. I was amazed by the friendship that was formed I wasn’t conscious enough how much it grows over time. That’s when I realized their vital part in my life. Then I told myself,, I don’t wanna lose these people who accepted me, appreciated me and loved me in spite of all.

Now tell me,, how can I ever let go of these people who have saved me?! people who gave me direction and involve me to the path they are heading. People who helped me understand my own significance, as they allow me to intervene with their lives.

“…no one could ever know me, no one could ever see,, seems you’re the only one who knows what its like to be me.. someone to face the day with. make up through all the mess with. someone I’ll always laugh with. even at my worst, im best with you!”

Until now, I could say that it is with them that my heart feels the calmness it ached for after the distressing hours in the office. It is still with them to whom I can find my peace of mind. With them I can still be myself. With them I can rest, enjoy, release, share, support, breathe, and feel safe.
“..this is such a wonderful place to be… even if there is pain now, everything will be alright, for as long the worlds still turns there will be night and day, can you hear me.. there’s a rainbow always after the rain…”

Oh, how I miss my dear friends.. I know we are in this stage of our lives that we need to strive so hard in search of our own Personal Legends. But it really feels good whenever, once in awhile, we find time for one another, to share experiences and our emotions, our new discoveries whenever little by little we go beyond the boundaries, our new realizations that make us a little matured in particular circumstances. Still its indescribable how we find comfort from one another, somehow, somewhere, no matter how far we are from one another… whatever happens… we know we belong together… we will always be KANLUNGAN. “Pagkat kami ang nagsisilbing kanlungan ng bawat isa…”
“..sasamahan ka sa tamis,, sasamahan ka sa pait.. sasamahan ka sa dilim… sasamahan ka hanggang langit…”
“Sana’y hwag kalimutan ang ating mga pinagsamahan…at kung sakaling mapadaan baka ikaw ay aking tawagan dahil minsan tayo ay naging tunay na magkaibigan…”

3 feet long na to!! Ang saya-saya!!! ^_^
Hi there! Its been a while! Wazzup..
Should I say that I had my senti moments this past few days??!
I had this pivotal moment of mine that I was able to reflect to all that’s happening to my life.. I could say that I am so blessed! Coz I was able to feel God’s presence in my life!
It all started sometime last week.. one morning.. between that fleeting moment of being awake and asleep, I had a dream about my mom. Her face was like in the picture of hers when I was about 10. so lovely, so fine..
In my dream, it seems that she’s been so far away for a long time and we were having long talks about what happened during the times that she wasn’t with us… We were talking of sweet things, agreeing about the same stuffs… and she seems so alive! Oh! Then I woke up… feeling sorry realizing that that blissful moment have to end. But it did gave me joyful tears that even in my dreams I was able have a glimpse of her.
In the workplace, I cant concentrate,, I cant help but think of my dream. Is there anything that she would like to communicate with me? What could be the message? I called my sister then and tell her about my dream, and as I observed her reaction it seems that there’s no strange feeling in her. So I assumed that my mom just wanted to say ‘Hi!’ to me!
After a few days, I was able to forget the dream,, I have to go on with my life as usual.. but then something left inside of me… its unclear…
Then questions started to popped up on my mind.. a lot of “what ifs” continuously movin me and directed my emotions to the height of its mode.. “what if my mom did not really died at all,, what if she’s still alive? Will I be the same person as I am today? Definitely not! Who might be me if she didn’t left?”. Ridiculous huh? Yes,, but then it will still dwell to the same question… “what if?”
Well, if you’re in the situation that you’re so tired from work,, but you still have a lot of responsibilities to do for your family and the community you belong to, and you’re trying to beat the time to arrive in your commitments in the soonest possible time, then at the end of the day, you feel so drained and you’re tired enough to put your shoes off, lie down to your bed, and be concerned about tomorrow’s day, close your eyes, hoping that you can get up early the next day so you wont be late to your work! Im not complaining about my work & responsibilities here,, coz I love what im doing! Its just that,, there will come a time that you’ll be physically & emotionally exhausted.. you’ll be dispirited. And this are the times when you need somebody to lean on… somebody to tap your back and say the nicest things to encourage you! It is the sweetest when you can actually hear it from your love ones,, your family. Sadly, my housemates (my dad & bro) don’t offer this kind of intimacy. My sister,, my very best friend, have to be away for she already has her own family to take care of. Oh how I wish I still have my Mommy with me, to take care of me in this time of my life. (Sigh!)
I’ve gone a long way already since God took her with Him and be at peace. I learned a lot of things by myself and been able to mingle with different kinds of people. I have plenty of realizations with each passing day about life especially with my relationships and spirituality. I could say that im stronger now than I was before. I know I have nothing to fear because I have a big God! im thankful coz most of the time im smiling than im crying or alone staring blankly. I know I have a lot of reasons to smile! God loves me more than I could imagine!
Back to the question.. what if my Mommy’s still alive til now?? Hmmm… maybe we’re always having long talks over a cup of coffee (like what my dad & I always do now!).. sharing our points of view, videoke-ing, supporting each other,, praying for each other.
Once in awhile I have this senti- mood, its just that I miss her so much.. but God never leaves me. I know my Mommy requested Him to! Im very grateful to feel His presence in my life. Its more than I could hope or dream of… indeed, a perpetual bliss!
Then I understood the message in my dream.. ^_^

Learn to let go the things you’re afraid to loose.
>> sad but i really have to…

last Saturday,, we went to "chanted" with my dad and his girlfriend, my brother and my sister’s family. Wow!! The very moment that I saw the enchanting castle-like entrance of that place,, my jaw dropped,, like a little girl! There I told myself.. "madj,, your a child again!!"
that time, I let myself to be a child again… I got excited with the exquisite sceneries that seem so new to me.. extra ordinary place that could only be seen in encyclopedias and national geographic… I took pictures with the tranquil jungle, colorful playground, out-of-this-world thingies, and elegant parks!! Most of all, I got adventurous again, with my sister and her husband. We patiently wait in endless lines till we’re able to get in the "worth it" rides! Log grande.. rialto.. flying fiesta.. and of course.. space shuttle!! We audaciously rode there not only once.. but twice! Whew! Im proud of my father! He made it to the shuttle and its really something to be proud of,, I mean, at his age.. "astig!" no wonder my sister and I are like him! ;> With my nieces with me, as we took shots at the carousel with the horses, and then with the swans at the lake, then at the gigantic dino-eggs that went up & down that made me a bit dizzy (that’s ok, the kids enjoyed it though!) the day was truly wonderful!
Being in that funfair made me really relaxed and that gave me a chance to reminisce of my distant past with our beloved mother still with us, watching us while we’re enjoying ourselves. Hmmm… that made me smile.. its yesterday once more!
The adventure revived me! Whew! That was really indescribable! I remembered every ride I took, it made me forget almost everything… my deadlines, the rush hours, my budget, my hectic schedules, my laundry, my pendings, my body aches, my savings, my doubts, fears, freak outs, the pain in my heart, my shattered life, confusions, the future…. Everything left in me was the positive force… as I felt the wind blowing through my skin, I was refreshed.. and as the cars stopped ,I felt every positive motivating force in me!
That was great! Now,, few days had passed.. I could still feel the force! Then I realized, that its not the enchanting kingdom with space cars that renewed me…not even the magic that seem to be there.. but it’s the presence of my family that helped me pick myself up in times of distress! Im indeed very thankful for having my family with me! Though were apart, I know that they’re always with me to support me in everyway I take. Then im not alone anymore! As I wake up each morning,, Hallelujah it’s a new day!

Hi there! Wazzup with me??! Well im ok na with my work! Last week nag-asikaso ako ng mga business permits. Whew! Grabe.. ibang klase sa sistema! Harap-harapan ang mga kabalastugan! Hindi ako makapagsalita at napapailing nalang ako sa mga senyasan na nakita ko,, singitan, palakasan sa mga magkukumpanyero.. mga palusot.. well, its really a stubborn fact,, and its sad that I cant do anything about it.. kelangan ko nalang lunukin ang pride ko at makisabay sa agos.. that’s the way it is..
Sa pagkakaalam ko, compromise ang nangyari sa amin last year. At ang ginawa pala nila, inipit nila ang mga original papers namin para mahirapan kami makapag-renew this year (most probably un nga ang intension nila), so ang mangyayari nun, mawawalan kami ng choice kundi ang makipag-ayos ulit sa mga kausap namin sa “compromising” dati. Sa pagkakaalam ko, isang grupo sila, meron sa munisipyo, meron sa baranggay.. at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, pati sa BIR. Itago nalang natin sa pangalan na “conspirators” (tsarot!) Personally, ayoko na ng ganun. As much as possible, gusto ko ng legal. E ang nangyari pa dun, hinaharang pa ng mga conspirators ang aming mga papers, at talagang nahirapan akong mag-follow up.. naka apat na balik ako sa linsyak na munisipyo nayan. Bawat araw, wala akong nakikita kundi mga ngiting kabayo ng mga pangit ng mga empleyado roon. Sorry kung nagegeneralize ko,, pero sa napagdaanan ko, halos pare-pareho na ang tingin ko sa kanila. Sa bawat department,, magpa simula sa table1 hanggang 7.. sus!
In fairness, kinakabahan din naman ako talaga,, dahil alam ko namang may kabaluktutan talaga ang kumpanya namin. Kasi wala naman kami magagawa, given na iresponsible talaga ang mga boss ko at nasanay na sila sa mga hokus pokus ng dating mga naging accountant samin. Para sa akin, biktima lang rin kami. I took it as a challenge for me and I want my term in the office to be in legal, although not normal! Gusto kong iparealize sa mga boss ko na mas maganda na un legal at mas magaan sa pakiramdam. Buti nalang at nakuha kong pakiusapan ang mga tao dun sa munisipyo lalu na ung city treasurer na tipong para akong nagde-defense para ma-approve ang aming gross sales (un ang magiging basehan ng babayaran sa cedula at permits),, nung hinahanap ang ITR namin, sinabi ko nasa auditor pa, at kelangan lang talaga naming maging on time sa pagpapa-renew ng permits para hindi mapenalize,, so in short, nakumbinse ko rin sila. Kaya nakaraos ako, at nakabalik sa opisina na “accomplished”. Haaayy!! (yeah! Sinulit ko employee’s benefit! Hehe!)
Hay naku, ibang klase ang panahon ngayon.. well, I just want to thank my dad for teaching me how to make all of this! Tinuruan niya ko ng mga pasikot-sikot,, mga teknik para hindi masyadong ma-interrogate, at marami pang iba. Sinabi niya rin sakin na: “just play the game the right way! You will be held responsible for all of your actions so be careful. Wag ka masanay sa maduming laro!” at “kung ginawa mo na ang alam mong tama at hindi sumang-ayon ang mga boss mo, well, that’s not your problem anymore.. sa pagkakataong un, isipin mong empleyado ka nila at desisyon parin nila bilang mga may-ari ng kumpanya ang magpe-prevail. Ang mahalaga, you did the right thing,,, the rest is up to them!” talagang binaon ko ang mga payo na un ng dad ko, truly, Im very thankful for having him! Good thing, wala namang sinabing masama ang boss ko, at tuwang-tuwa sila na naayos na ang kanilang mga permits at higit sa lahat, nagbayad sila ng maayos sa kung magkano talaga ang due sa company namin.
Ang saya noh?! Challenge nga naman! Well.. simula palang yan.. im not even half the battle.. ang susunod.. BIR naman.. magkikita parin kami ng mga pangit na conspirators! Hmm.. Im praying for God’s guidance in every step I’ll be taking. He’s always with me,, I know! Meanwhile.. back to my chair.. play my media player with my the sounds of “piramita” esp. “hiling”.. and hey.. before I forget,, baba muna ko to have a cup of coffee!! Til then!! ^_^

Kelangang mag-desisyon.. ayokong sumuko.. walang panghahawakan. – mga bagay na naglalaro sa isip nitong mga nakaraang araw…

Whew! Paano ko nga ba ilalarawan ang linggong nagdaan? Its been such a hell! Oh my! Im sorry, I didn’t mean to say that,, pero sa tingin ko un nalang ang masasabi ng isang katulad kong ordinaryong empleyado na may hinaing..

dati nung estudyante pako, kadalasan ko lang na naririnig ang mga ganitong klaseng problema sa sociology class, mga forums na sinasalihan ko, mga immersions, atbp. Nasa kanila ang simpatiya ko,, sumali pa ko sa mga grupo ng mga estudyanteng may layunin na kumilos para sa paghahanap ng pagbabago,, kung hindi man sa buong komyunidad na kinabibilangan namin , e kahit dun man lang sa mismong loob ng paaralan namin.. naghahanap kami ng pagbabago. Ng maayos na sistema.

Pero tama nga sila,, sila na mas ekspiryensado.. iba talaga sa totoong buhay. Iba talaga kung ikaw na mismo ang nakakakita ng kabaluktatan sa sistema.. sa lipunan, sa gobyerno, sa mga namumuno dito, sa isang pribadong kumpanya (katulad ng sa amin! ugh!)..iba pa rin kung ikaw ang ay nasasitwasyon na wala kang magawa…sa mga harap-harapang mga kabalastugan.. mga injustices, mga misconducts.. minsan,, gusto kong itanong sa kanila,, yan ba ang natutunan niyo sa ilang taong mga pag-aaral sa (hindi maipagkakailang) eksklusibong paaralan?? O – yan ba ang natutunan niyo sa mga magulang niyo? Baka kulang pa kayo sa pangaral??

Hindi ba simple lang naman
ang buhay kung ika’y matino??

Hay naku, sa totoo lang naaawa ako sa kanila na halos buong buhay nila ay umiikot nalang sa pag-aangkat ng salapi.. hindi na mahalaga kung sa tama o sa maling pamamaraan, kung may maapakan silang dignidad ng ibang tao na nasa paligid nila.. kung may nagugutom na mga bata na nakakakalat sa kalyeng dinaraanan nila araw-araw… ang mahalaga, may pam-boracay sila! May pang-out –of-country sila this holiday season.. may pang-hulog sila sa amortization ng mga properties na kinukuha nila, at pambayad sa mga credit cards at nang hindi maabutan ng deadline! Nakakainis! I am not against their dreams or goals in life.. mauunawaan ko rin kung sasabihin nilang “we’re just being practical” pero anu nga ba ang pagiging praktikal para sa kanila? Maiintindihan ko rin kung maghangad sila ng magandang buhay para sa kanila at ng kanilang pamilya.. wala tayong problema don,, everybody wants it! Hipokrita ko kapag sinabi kong hindi ko gusto un!

How I pity those people who don’t know how to share! I wonder if they’re really happy inspite of all the possessions that they have.. nakakatulog kaya sila ng mahimbing sa gabi?? (well, dapat lang siguro makatulog sila ng mahimbing dahil sa mahal ng bili nila sa kanilang “wonder bed” kuno!).

Well, nasan naba ako’t kung saan saan nako nakarating?? Well, its been a dreadful week for me.. alam kong ipinapakilala at ipinapakita sakin ni Lord ang ibat ibang uri ng tao at ugali na kailangan kong kasanayan buong buhay ko. I know these people around me are just imperfect as I am. I have to accept that truth in order to calm myself if circumstances wouldn’t run smooth as I wanted it. About injustices that im suffering right now,, hmm.. naniniwala parin ako sa karma at sa God’s saving grace! In short… bahala na si Lord sa kanila!

Right now, Im planning to concentrate so much for the improvement of myself,, that I’ll have no time to criticize others or even watch other people to take their fall.

Meanwhile I sit on my chair,, drink a lot of coffee, and await the blow. ^_^
I spent today outside a funfair, since I can’t afford to fritter my money away, I thought it best to watch other people. I stood for a long time by a roller coaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but that once it starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.
What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn’t they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going around and around and then stop?
At the moment, im far too lonely to think about love, but I have to believe that it will happen, that I will find a job and that I am here because I chose this fate. The roller coaster is my life, life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; its taking chances, falling over and getting up and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don’t manage it.
It isn’t easy being far from my family and from whom the language in which I can express all my feelings and emotions, but, from now on, whenever I feel depressed, I will remember that funfair. If I had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up in a roller coaster, what would I feel?
Well, I would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. However, if I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement.

>> nice one, isn’t it? that’s my favorite part in the book!