gesmunds
I started this day as I woke up in an ordinary morning. I checked the time in my fone with my heavy eyes – its 5:28 am.. excited as a child I got back to sleep knowing that I still have an hour to enjoy with my bed and pillows. Between that fleeting moment of being awake and asleep I remembered what a special day is today. It seems like a blink,, as I looked at the time again., its 6:18 – I have to get up. I was still able to taste the sweetness in my mouth caused by the red wine we drank last night with my dad and tita nene. I got up, looked at the mirror, tied my hair, got my towel, wore my slippers – went out of the room. Tita nene prepared our breakfast, we three ate, chat a little, drank our coffee. I took a bath, dressed up, left. – ordinary.

I was a little early and there was no traffic. As early as 8:40 im already at Pacita and the thought of going to San Pedro Church before I work made me smile. At the office almost everybody greeted me warmly and I replied with great thanks and smile. Hmmm.. Everybody seems so nice today, I thought. Then after a while, I noticed the presents waiting for me in my desk.. whoa! How thoughtful – sweet thanks! The day went smoothly ordinary. Work..chat..eat..laugh..eat..chat.. I was – AM – HAPPY!

Today,, I received some surprises,, do I really deserve these??, I thought. But there are some other things that I believe I deserve but didn’t happen. Can’t help but ask myself why. Hmmm… here I am again, having this negative thing in my mind.. Im trying to avoid it as mush as I can… noise for me now is a form of sweet refuge,, away from all the bad thoughts, bad memories that’s so busy distracting me by their incessant flashbacking. I need to comfort myself.. from whom but myself shall I get comfort as I need it often? I feel so hollow. Now asking myself again, do I deserve this?? Then a voice from afar answered… why not?? >> Yeah,, why not! I really don’t know whats wrong with me,, I guess that’s the frightening part. Maybe, once again,, im back to being a confused-lonely-human-being-in-the-planet.. I thought so! How ridiculous! When will you learn madj?? When will you learn from your decisions? Haven’t you learned enough? Haaayyy… so where will I go from here? Honestly,, (a confession to make),, I somehow envy my friends… coz now they’re busy working on to the path that they wanted to pursue.. Things are getting clearer as time goes by for them.. their dreams, plans,, future.. the way they want it to be.. and it seems so far from me until now. What happened?? Im supposed to be living a life now?? What is life for me, by the way? hehe!Well, I can say that right now,, I need fight like hell to be alive coz I am! I need to continually search for meaning, to eventually find myself.. and it means celebrating my birthday year after year, just like today! Ugh! Im still at my half empty half full stage. Okay! I wish I still have a glass of wine to drink!

But at the end of the day, its still surprising to know how the Lord turned my day so extraordinarily ordinary. I remembered what He told me this morning,, I may have a lot of frustrations, disappointments and downfalls,, I may not have what I wanted at this very moment… I may feel devastated, defenseless and incapable to a lot of aspects of my life right now,, but to know that I have Him beside me,, like He always does… I will be still. Here’s His surprise for me: “The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right.” It took a while for me to absorb and digest what He’d said. It made me refocus my mind - to stop being selfish. To work on to what I’ve started and wait till He announces His next instructions. Yeah! That’s my Father,, filling me up with joy everytime He reveals each surprises. Alright God! I should know.. You’re teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight.., and in the right time He’ll reveal his perfect plan for me.
gesmunds
Maligayang araw ng Kalayaan!
Sinabi ko bang “maligaya”? Hmmm.. masasabi kong nagunita ko ang araw na ito dahil maya’t maya ito ipinapaalala sa mga radio at tv, pero hindi ko nararamdaman ang pagiging masaya! Unang-una kasi dapat nasa GK-Isang Milyong Bayani ako, kaso hindi ako pinayagan ng pagkakataon na makadalo dito. May pinagawa kasi si Daddy, badtrip, pero ok lang. hindi masyadong makabuluhan ang araw na to para sakin di tulad ng dati. Pero kahit papano, medyo nag-alab ang aking pusong makabayan ng makapanood ako sa Knowledge Channel ng isang episode ng “Noli Me Tangere”,, hindi ko lam kung anung chapter pero un ung ep na nalaman ni Ibarra kung papanong pinatay ang kanyang ama at si Padre Damaso pala ang may pakana. Gayundin naman, ipinakita ang pag-uulayawan nila ni Maria Clara.

Bale, ngayong mga nakalalipas na araw, sobrang inspired ako sa dahil sa pagbabasa ko ng librong aksidente kong nakita at nabile. Tinamaan ako! “Tikman ang Langit, an Anthology to Eraserheads”. Koleksyon ito ng mga tribute essays ng mga fans. Haayyy… pangarap ko kasi makasulat ng ganon! Nakakatuwa kasi halos lahat ng gusto kong sabihin tungkol sa kanila e nasabi doon, lalo na sa mga nasulat nila Batacan at dela Cruz. Pero sususlat parin ako, kasi ang daming dumating na mga ideya sa kin, di pwedeng itago, baka magka-kanser ako!! ;> nabanggit ko ang tungkol sa libro kasi ngayong mga oras na to,, habang nakasalang ang sinaing ko, 6:30 ng gabi, naka todo sa cassette player ko ang Cutterpillow! Astig! Reminiscin ba?! Kalungkot lang kasi sa mga original cassette tapes ko ng Eheads, Cutterpillow, Sticker Happy at Natin99 nalang ang na sakin. Ung iba, tsk! Sa tingin ko nahiram, di nasoli, nawala, nahiram, nawala! Haay!! Ganun talaga drama ko sa mga gamit. Isa lang ang sigurado.. nalaspag muna namin sila ni Ate bago makuha ng iba! Haha! Hey, Ate, baka naman nasayo ung iba, dalhin mo next time, tapus jammin’ tayo gaya ng dati! Astig! I miss those Rakenrol times!! Mwahh!! Well gamitin ko lang ang isang linya sa libro,, “No other songs that made me so proud to be Pinoy!” pertaining to Eheads’ songs particularly to “Ang Huling El Bimbo”. Ang Cutterpillow ang masasabi kong album na perslab ko. As in, ung nauso siya, uso rin siya sakin. Di gaya nung unang dalawang album, hinabol ko nalang un e. introduced ni Ate sakin, elementary yata ko. Unang kanta na sumapi sakin.. “Mahal kita, pero miss na miss na miss ko na ang aking kama at ang malupit kong unan, bat di kana lang sumama, hihiga tayo at kakan..ta!” (Kamasupra). Tapos eto pa: “I hope we can spend more time together, a few hours is better than never, if we could only make it longer! /I don’t care if we don’t have lunch as long as we have iced tea” (Finetime). “Magkahawak an gating kamay at walang kamalay-malay, na tinuruan mo ang puso ko an umibig ng tunay” (Ang Huling El Bimbo), tong kantang to, pag naririnig ko, talaga naman,, damang-dama ko, pramis! At itong isang to naman, pag naririnig ko, napapaisip ako lagi,, at parang ngayong mga oras na to – kanta to para saken! “Nong ikaw ay bata pa, ang lahat ay masayaUmiikot ang mundo at hindi humihinto, ang lahat ng makita mo ay bago.Ay ngayong may edad ka na at lunod sa problemaNangangarap na ibalik ang kahapon di malaman kung bakit kailangan Magbago ang lahat,, magbago ang lahat sa buhay mo.Umaaraw, umuulan, noon pa ma’y sadyang ganyanAt kung ngayon lahat ng panaginip mo’y biglang naglahoPare-pareho lamang tayo, isipin mo, walang nagbago! (Walang Nagbago)
Tapos sabayan pa ng “Slomo” – waaahhh! sapol na sapol! Tungkol naman to sa pagpatay sa oras na dapat sana may ginawa ka pero di mo nagawa, atbp. Haha! Napapangiti nalang ako. “Ngayo’y alam mo na kung paano mag-isa/natagpuan ang kasagutan sa mga katanungan/lahat ay nangyayare tamang oras at lugar/ pero isa ang masasabi.. di naiintindihan ang payo ng magulang”.Hmm.. kung iniisip niyo na eto an ung sinasabi ko na tribute sa kanila,, hindi pa po. Sobrang saya lang talaga ko sa pagkakabasa ko ng libro, may parte rin kasi dun na kung pano nag-evolve ang Pinoy Rock, at kung gaano kalaki ang kontribusyon ng Eheads dito. Masasabi kong sa araw na ito ng Kalayaan, isang pagsaludo ang alay ko sa Eraserheads para sa pagbukas niya ng aking kamalayan. Kung paanong una kong napagpahalagahan ang musika sa pamamagitan nila. Kumusta naman ang sticker ko ng bandila ng Pinas sa gitara ko na itinulad ko sa kanila,, tanda ito ng inspirasyon ko na sana isang araw matutugtog ko rin ang mga awit nila! Wala akong ibang maisip na tao o banda na may malalim na impluwensya sa akin sa musika at buhay,, maliban sa Eraserheads. Mabuhay kayo at ang lahat ng ng taong naniniwala sa inyo!

gesmunds
10:30am nung pumunta kami sa Precinct 113-A ng Dita,Elem School para bumoto! Organisado naman kaso marami lang talagang tao saka mainit. Ok naman na kasama ko Daddy ko kasi kilala siya samen.. so pagpasok palang ng gate ng school, marami nang concerned citizen ang sumisigaw ng “Gesmundo – 113-A kayo!” naks! Sabay sabi, “Tito Gonzales tayo!”, “Catindig pare ah!” hehe! Sa precinct, yun kabarkada ko pang si Jonathan ang watcher kaya ok naman! Pag-upo ko, dahan-dahan ko na nilabas ang kopyahan ko na ginawa ko the night before, pero for senatoriable candidates lang yon. Sadly, wala akong kilala masyado sa mga kumandidato para konsehal. Siguro naging iresponsable rin ako sa hindi pagkilala sa kanila.

Katuwa ang pagsulat ko sa balota, mas malalaking letters ang pagkakasulat ko kapag botong-boto ako sa pangalan na isinusulat ko! Haha Sarap ng feeling habang nilalagay ko ang sariling balota sa ballot box! Whoa! Proud to be a voter! Theres a sense of pride ba! Something na natamo ko mula sa pakikialam at pag participate! Mula sa paniniwala na ako bilang indibidwal, sa hanay ng mga kabataan at manggagawa ay may magagagwa sa bulok na sistemang inasasadlakan natin ngayon patungo sa magandang bukas! Yan sa tingin ko ang karanasan na napapalampas ng ibang kababayang hindi bumoboto dahil sa samu’t saring dahilan. Kawalan ng tiwala sa sistema, kawalan ng pag-asa na na may magandang kahihinatnan pa ang Pilipinas, ang kawalan ng kamalayan at ang pinaka masakit sa lahat – katamaran! Nirerespeto ko ang kahit anumang dahilan, sabi ko nga sa isa kong malapit na kaibigan na hindi nakaboto, hindi naman
lahat ng hindi bumoboto ay hindi mapagmahal sa bayan,, dahil kahit papano nabubuhay ang pagmamahal sa bayan sa ating mga puso sa pamamagitan ng mga tradisyon, kultura at sa tuwing may laro sa Pacquiao! hiks! Ang sakin lang e hindi nila nararamdaman ang oras na may boses ka sa isang kapirasong papel. Isang bagay na ginagawan mo ng paraan ang pagkakaroon mo ng isang maayos na bukas mula sa pakikialam mu ngayon.



Saludo po ako sa lahat ng bumoto! Sa
lahat ng bigilante! Sa lahat ng MALAYA at
hindi nagpapadala sa sulsol! Sa lahat ng kandidato, manalo o matalo ay
nagtangkang mangarap ng pagbabago para sa bayan, sa lahat ng nakialam at
nakiisa! Mabuhay ka Pilipino! Mabuhay ka Pilipinas!
gesmunds
I counted the days covered with sadness for some uncertain reasons. And its good to see myself moving on and rising. I find it quite ridiculous to reread my past blogs,
though it was my own way of unloading myself from my so-called burden, somehow
I can now smile at them. Its refreshing! Its nice to learn things as you
experienced them, its true. Its more wonderful than any books I’ve read before
or any stories I’ve heard from someone else. Its feels great to know you’re having time to overcome your challenge. Though hard but it’s a learning process. I get to know myself better.

What I’ve learned: Let it flow! Let it flow! Let it flow! Dati Im asking myself how to deal with changes by really trying.. well, I got a lot of answers but I think its more meaningful now.


* Its okay to cry or
even breakdown.,, ok lang yan! E anu ngayon?! Ok lang paminsan-minsan mawalan
ng gana sa pagkain! Even though you have nothing to lose anymore!

* Its alright to let
yourself be in “senti moods” to listen to heart-breaking songs or to torture
yourself of thinking of anything that reminds you of the pain. Lilipas rin yan!


* At times ren its ok
to be in denial — e hindi mo kayang ipakita eh! It doesn’t mean you’re
already “plastic” – its just that you cant handle the situations right yet. Its
okay for a moment to just deny it! As the matter of fact,, mas nagiging totoo
ka nga sa sarili mo na hindi mo kaya. Kesa naman you will pretend na carry mo –
pero hindi pala. Ang plastic dun e kung “nagpapakatotoo” ka para sa ibang tao,,
para anu, to please them? Poor thing.

* Its okay to have fun
– even if it costs you! Isipin mu nalang, “Once in a lifetime lang to!” haha!

* Its fine to maximize
the volume of your headset as you listen to your most fave rock songs – or even
your most senti “karelate” korni songs
– hmmm.. how will they know?? You’re in your headset anyway! (kumusta naman dyan toni??!)

* Its okay to be
late.. I mean,, consecutively.. (Ouch!). Especially when you have wonderful
reasons to to stay up late like having cool conversations, gimiks, meeting,,
etc. (will you excuse me, please?! please!)

* Its okay to lose
control once in a while even if your friends say “hindi bagay sau!” (hep hep!
Hindi niyo lang alam!) ok rin kasi minsan e may pagnanais ka na malimutan
panandalian ang mga problema.. Go! (just be sure you’re with your most trusted
allies!).

* Its also okay to
feel you’re alone,, feeling na tinalikuran ka at biglang napag-iwanan.. kasi
kung hindi.. anu nang susunod na kabanata? Pano kana kung ikaw nalang? Panu mo
malalaman? Kaya mo ba?

*Most importantly, its
alright to be half empty half full for the moment. As the experience taught me,
its cool to be empty and its lovely to be hopeful! It is somehow a pivotal
point in time I believe every human being should feel, to know what’s really
essential as a living thing.


When I’m down, I allow myself to flow with the natural process. Its not easy because not everybody will understand.. it takes a few good friends around you who are willing to catch you when you fall. Its such a privilege to share my life with my friends, to contribute to their being as they contribute to mine. Its such a great way of sharing,.. of loving. Whoa! Im getting way too intellectual! J Im not saying na ok na ko.. mejo kumalma lang ang mga tidal waves pero any moment pwede kang lamunin ng tsunami! But with the Lord God who strengthens me and the lessons I’ve learned – I am more equipped – armed for the battle! I know little by little I can overcome it – wala namang majic na isang click lang “charan!” – ok na.. it’s always a process,, a journey! And now,, looking at my dreams, at my hopes.. im ready to rise again!

Sweet journey! ^_^
gesmunds
Guess none. I’m not with myself nowadays. I could feel an indescribable peace and hell at the moment. I am inspired to do a lot of things but everything is only in my mind. Nothing has been materialized. I have a lot reasons to feel sorry for myself but I know I have a choice – to make or ruin my everyday. And I chose to make it. I set my mind to stand up in every situation that I can probably fall. I set my mind that I can overcome every negative thoughts im encountering by smiling back at them. I’m ok. Not that happy. Not that sad. I’m in control. All I know is that – I’m not growing. Its like I’m trapped in the middle of wherever. Its kinda hard for me to find meanings in what I do. Its hard to think where I am going. I could say that I am tired of dealing with changes, tired of observing whats going on around me,, tired of dreaming,, maybe. Hehe! A fact that a lot of friends who knows me well would say that its really not me. Or maybe I am – still me. Maybe its my other side. My deep hollow side. Nah! Not that bad,, just not well. Probably bad, yes. I guess I need to be like this, hopefully not for a long time. Nothing new. Nothing sweet. Nothing dark. Only awkward. But I believe its okay.

Learned something?? Unfortunately I have nothing to give today, maybe next time. Everyday is a winding road.

“I am a wave.. flowing and flowing.. the wind keeps on pushing and pulling.. and it doesn’t matter.. I just follow. I face the sky,, the pleasant clouds, the bright sun, the lovely calmness of moon and stars at night… waiting.. flowing… freely.. till I can fin’lly touch the shore..”