I started this day as I woke up in an ordinary morning. I checked the time in my fone with my heavy eyes – its 5:28 am.. excited as a child I got back to sleep knowing that I still have an hour to enjoy with my bed and pillows. Between that fleeting moment of being awake and asleep I remembered what a special day is today. It seems like a blink,, as I looked at the time again., its 6:18 – I have to get up. I was still able to taste the sweetness in my mouth caused by the red wine we drank last night with my dad and tita nene. I got up, looked at the mirror, tied my hair, got my towel, wore my slippers – went out of the room. Tita nene prepared our breakfast, we three ate, chat a little, drank our coffee. I took a bath, dressed up, left. – ordinary.

I was a little early and there was no traffic. As early as 8:40 im already at Pacita and the thought of going to San Pedro Church before I work made me smile. At the office almost everybody greeted me warmly and I replied with great thanks and smile. Hmmm.. Everybody seems so nice today, I thought. Then after a while, I noticed the presents waiting for me in my desk.. whoa! How thoughtful – sweet thanks! The day went smoothly ordinary. Work..chat..eat..laugh..eat..chat.. I was – AM – HAPPY!

Today,, I received some surprises,, do I really deserve these??, I thought. But there are some other things that I believe I deserve but didn’t happen. Can’t help but ask myself why. Hmmm… here I am again, having this negative thing in my mind.. Im trying to avoid it as mush as I can… noise for me now is a form of sweet refuge,, away from all the bad thoughts, bad memories that’s so busy distracting me by their incessant flashbacking. I need to comfort myself.. from whom but myself shall I get comfort as I need it often? I feel so hollow. Now asking myself again, do I deserve this?? Then a voice from afar answered… why not?? >> Yeah,, why not! I really don’t know whats wrong with me,, I guess that’s the frightening part. Maybe, once again,, im back to being a confused-lonely-human-being-in-the-planet.. I thought so! How ridiculous! When will you learn madj?? When will you learn from your decisions? Haven’t you learned enough? Haaayyy… so where will I go from here? Honestly,, (a confession to make),, I somehow envy my friends… coz now they’re busy working on to the path that they wanted to pursue.. Things are getting clearer as time goes by for them.. their dreams, plans,, future.. the way they want it to be.. and it seems so far from me until now. What happened?? Im supposed to be living a life now?? What is life for me, by the way? hehe!Well, I can say that right now,, I need fight like hell to be alive coz I am! I need to continually search for meaning, to eventually find myself.. and it means celebrating my birthday year after year, just like today! Ugh! Im still at my half empty half full stage. Okay! I wish I still have a glass of wine to drink!

But at the end of the day, its still surprising to know how the Lord turned my day so extraordinarily ordinary. I remembered what He told me this morning,, I may have a lot of frustrations, disappointments and downfalls,, I may not have what I wanted at this very moment… I may feel devastated, defenseless and incapable to a lot of aspects of my life right now,, but to know that I have Him beside me,, like He always does… I will be still. Here’s His surprise for me: “The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right.” It took a while for me to absorb and digest what He’d said. It made me refocus my mind - to stop being selfish. To work on to what I’ve started and wait till He announces His next instructions. Yeah! That’s my Father,, filling me up with joy everytime He reveals each surprises. Alright God! I should know.. You’re teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight.., and in the right time He’ll reveal his perfect plan for me.

Maligayang araw ng Kalayaan!
Sinabi ko bang “maligaya”? Hmmm.. masasabi kong nagunita ko ang araw na ito dahil maya’t maya ito ipinapaalala sa mga radio at tv, pero hindi ko nararamdaman ang pagiging masaya! Unang-una kasi dapat nasa GK-Isang Milyong Bayani ako, kaso hindi ako pinayagan ng pagkakataon na makadalo dito. May pinagawa kasi si Daddy, badtrip, pero ok lang. hindi masyadong makabuluhan ang araw na to para sakin di tulad ng dati. Pero kahit papano, medyo nag-alab ang aking pusong makabayan ng makapanood ako sa Knowledge Channel ng isang episode ng “Noli Me Tangere”,, hindi ko lam kung anung chapter pero un ung ep na nalaman ni Ibarra kung papanong pinatay ang kanyang ama at si Padre Damaso pala ang may pakana. Gayundin naman, ipinakita ang pag-uulayawan nila ni Maria Clara.

Bale, ngayong mga nakalalipas na araw, sobrang inspired ako sa dahil sa pagbabasa ko ng librong aksidente kong nakita at nabile. Tinamaan ako! “Tikman ang Langit, an Anthology to Eraserheads”. Koleksyon ito ng mga tribute essays ng mga fans. Haayyy… pangarap ko kasi makasulat ng ganon! Nakakatuwa kasi halos lahat ng gusto kong sabihin tungkol sa kanila e nasabi doon, lalo na sa mga nasulat nila Batacan at dela Cruz. Pero sususlat parin ako, kasi ang daming dumating na mga ideya sa kin, di pwedeng itago, baka magka-kanser ako!! ;> nabanggit ko ang tungkol sa libro kasi ngayong mga oras na to,, habang nakasalang ang sinaing ko, 6:30 ng gabi, naka todo sa cassette player ko ang Cutterpillow! Astig! Reminiscin ba?! Kalungkot lang kasi sa mga original cassette tapes ko ng Eheads, Cutterpillow, Sticker Happy at Natin99 nalang ang na sakin. Ung iba, tsk! Sa tingin ko nahiram, di nasoli, nawala, nahiram, nawala! Haay!! Ganun talaga drama ko sa mga gamit. Isa lang ang sigurado.. nalaspag muna namin sila ni Ate bago makuha ng iba! Haha! Hey, Ate, baka naman nasayo ung iba, dalhin mo next time, tapus jammin’ tayo gaya ng dati! Astig! I miss those Rakenrol times!! Mwahh!! Well gamitin ko lang ang isang linya sa libro,, “No other songs that made me so proud to be Pinoy!” pertaining to Eheads’ songs particularly to “Ang Huling El Bimbo”. Ang Cutterpillow ang masasabi kong album na perslab ko. As in, ung nauso siya, uso rin siya sakin. Di gaya nung unang dalawang album, hinabol ko nalang un e. introduced ni Ate sakin, elementary yata ko. Unang kanta na sumapi sakin.. “Mahal kita, pero miss na miss na miss ko na ang aking kama at ang malupit kong unan, bat di kana lang sumama, hihiga tayo at kakan..ta!” (Kamasupra). Tapos eto pa: “I hope we can spend more time together, a few hours is better than never, if we could only make it longer! /I don’t care if we don’t have lunch as long as we have iced tea” (Finetime). “Magkahawak an gating kamay at walang kamalay-malay, na tinuruan mo ang puso ko an umibig ng tunay” (Ang Huling El Bimbo), tong kantang to, pag naririnig ko, talaga naman,, damang-dama ko, pramis! At itong isang to naman, pag naririnig ko, napapaisip ako lagi,, at parang ngayong mga oras na to – kanta to para saken! “Nong ikaw ay bata pa, ang lahat ay masayaUmiikot ang mundo at hindi humihinto, ang lahat ng makita mo ay bago.Ay ngayong may edad ka na at lunod sa problemaNangangarap na ibalik ang kahapon di malaman kung bakit kailangan Magbago ang lahat,, magbago ang lahat sa buhay mo.Umaaraw, umuulan, noon pa ma’y sadyang ganyanAt kung ngayon lahat ng panaginip mo’y biglang naglahoPare-pareho lamang tayo, isipin mo, walang nagbago! (Walang Nagbago)
Tapos sabayan pa ng “Slomo” – waaahhh! sapol na sapol! Tungkol naman to sa pagpatay sa oras na dapat sana may ginawa ka pero di mo nagawa, atbp. Haha! Napapangiti nalang ako. “Ngayo’y alam mo na kung paano mag-isa/natagpuan ang kasagutan sa mga katanungan/lahat ay nangyayare tamang oras at lugar/ pero isa ang masasabi.. di naiintindihan ang payo ng magulang”.Hmm.. kung iniisip niyo na eto an ung sinasabi ko na tribute sa kanila,, hindi pa po. Sobrang saya lang talaga ko sa pagkakabasa ko ng libro, may parte rin kasi dun na kung pano nag-evolve ang Pinoy Rock, at kung gaano kalaki ang kontribusyon ng Eheads dito. Masasabi kong sa araw na ito ng Kalayaan, isang pagsaludo ang alay ko sa Eraserheads para sa pagbukas niya ng aking kamalayan. Kung paanong una kong napagpahalagahan ang musika sa pamamagitan nila. Kumusta naman ang sticker ko ng bandila ng Pinas sa gitara ko na itinulad ko sa kanila,, tanda ito ng inspirasyon ko na sana isang araw matutugtog ko rin ang mga awit nila! Wala akong ibang maisip na tao o banda na may malalim na impluwensya sa akin sa musika at buhay,, maliban sa Eraserheads. Mabuhay kayo at ang lahat ng ng taong naniniwala sa inyo!