Our company got a dream project for next year, we considered it an early Christmas gift to us! In return, we have to give our best to meet all the deadlines before the year ends. Photo shoots here and there, meetings, creative brainstorming,,,everybody's just so busy. Somehow I feel so useless. Its tiring to just give moral support to your colleagues.

Christmas time has a power to break my heart, so much that it can make me breakdown and cry. I can still clearly remember how my late Mom loved the season along with the music, colors and traditions attached to it. During Christmas time we would decorate our house. She often tell us how good it is to feel the Christmas spirit. Every night we would stare out the window, watch the colored lights and listen to its tune.

"Let the sun shine Let the rivers run away Coz it's a beautiful day now To play now As I close my eyes and pray Lord have mercy on me 'Coz I'm feeling kinda lonely..."

Summer noon, inaawit niya ang kantang ito,, medyo halo-halo na ung lyrics sa dulo, hindi ko na maintindihan. Ang alam ko lang ang cool ng kanta. Paulit-ulit siya, LSS niya raw. Tinanong ko ung title nung song, nagulat siya. "Hindi mo alam tong kantang to? kay Francis M. to!" Sabi ko, "Ha? Di nga, bakit di ko alam?" "Oldskul na to, himala di mo alam.." sagot niya.
Meron akong ilang album ni Sir Francis, pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko nakilala ang kantang ito.. ayun na nga, ung nakakuha ako ng file, naging peborit ko narin at nagrarakenrol kami tuwing naalala namin ang kanta.

For almost 2 years now, room mate ko si Joy. Naikwento ko na rin siya ng mga ilang beses gaya rito at dito Madami na rin kaming napagsamahan. Alam na namin ang kwento ng buhay ng isat isa. Marami nang naging palitan ng mga libro at hiraman ng mga accessories. Ipinakilala niya sa kin ang mga barkada niya na ngayon e barkada ko na rin. May mga panahong nagkakatarayan, nagkakamalditahan, pero natututo naman kaming maging mature sa mga oras na kailangang pag-usapan ang mga mali. Mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko dahil sa kanya, dami kasi naming mga pagkakaiba sa point of views pero as time goes on nag-mimeet na rin. Nawitness ko rin ang progress ng relationship niya with her boyfie,, proud naman ako for them kung nasan na sila ngayon.
Kami rin ang naging refuge ng isa't isa tuwing may panget na mga araw. Di ko maipagkakaila, nung makilala ko siya at ung mga kaibigan niya, dun ako talagang sumagad sa kalokohan. Pamurningan drinking sessions for straight nights - the best! Kahit lasing, nasanay na kong bumangon ng maaga at pumasok. I know its bad pero I cant help it.
Pero dahil sa maraming headaches gawa ng hang over, natutunan ko na rin ang salitang 'No Thanks!' Masasabi ko rin naman na naka-quota na ko pagdating sa alak so kaya ko na ngayong tumanggi sa pag-gimik. Sabi nga ng ate ko, bad influence sakin si Joy, na dapat humanap na ko ng ibang room mate, pero for so many reasons,, ayaw ko. Iba kasi ung may kasama ka sa mga up and down moments mo.

Di ako nagsasawang makinig at magpayo sa kanya tuwing may major fights sila ng boyfie niya. Siya naman hindi rin nagsasawang makinig sa mga kwento ko sa love life ko.
Habambuhay kong advice sa kanya: "Hiwalay kung hiwalay! Magkaroon ka naman ng respeto sa sarili mo, hindi ung puro siya nalang!"
Habambuhay niyang advice sakin: "Maybe it's time to move on, marami pang iba dyan, itry mo uli! Ihahanap kita!"
Hahaha! wala rin nasusunod sa mga advice na un.. Isa lang ang rason,, pareho lang kaming nagmamahal at handang gawin ang lahat para dito. Suportahan nalang ng desisyon ang drama namin.
***

Biglaan siyang nakagawa ng desisyon.
Kung tutuusin wala namang magagawa. Andyan na e.
Matagal na rin niya pangarap yon kaya masaya rin siya.
Finally!
Masaya ako para sa kanya.
Un nga lang, kailangan niyang umalis.
Major major changes na naman ang drama ko.
Its either umalis ako ng bahay (dahil dodoble ang expenses ko kapag umalis siya) or may pumalit sa kanya.
Mukhang malabo ung huli.. pero sige na.. eto, baka-sakali na!
***

Guess I'm okay.. di naman ako masyadong ma-emote ngayon.
Medyo nasanay narin sa pagdating at pag-alis ng mga tao sa paligid ko.
This chapter is about to end.. bagong adventure ulit!
Actually I cant wait!
Im grateful, indeed!

Friends Forever?? Friends Forever!
I'll surely miss you girl.. (sob)


"Let the wind blow Let the wind touch my face I wanna take a little break now Shake now his is what i have to say I feel so fine So fine that it blows my mind..."

Currently Playing: Girl Be Mine by Francis M.

Hindi ako techie na tao, alam yan ng kahit sinong malapit sakin.
Sa unang pagkakataon, nagkaroon ako ng immense yearning para sa isang bagay. Kahit kelan hindi pa ako nagkaganito,, 'love at first sight' kumbaga! eto na talaga un! un tipong maloloka ako kapag hindi ko makukuha to!
SHARE KO LANG..

Naalala ko pa nong college ako, nung nauso ang celfone, Philips Savvy ang brand ng fone ko. pinagkakaguluhan na sya ng mga classmates ko dahil sa nakakaaliw niyang tone at dahil 2-liner na siya. After few months, napalitan naman un ng Nokia 6110, bumili kasi si Dad ng bagong fone kaya pasa-pasa ang paglevel up ng fone naming magkakapatid, so ung Philips ko napunta sa bunso kong kapatid. Tuwang-tuwa ang lahat ng mga nakakakita, lahat gustong humiram, lahat gustong maka-experience ng NOKIA! Lalu pa't ang ganda ng keypad, mas slim, tapos may infrared, at higit sa lahat,, may games tulad ng Snake! haha! Para sa akin wala un, gusto ko lang talaga ng may fone kasi marami akong ka-text dati. Wala akong pakialam sa brand, basta lang matibay. Hindi ko alam na un na pala ung kahuli-hulihang pagkakataon na makakasabay ako sa uso. I think mga bandang 2003 nung nahulog ng ate ko sa baha ung 6110 ko, kaya kailangan nang palitan. Medyo short na kami sa budget kaya hindi na ko nagdemand ng mamahalin. Since then, at kahit pa ngayong nagttrabaho nako, simpleng fone pa rin ang gamit ko. Walang hi-res camera, walang internet, walang memory card, walang mp3. Simpleng pantawag at text lang. Ayun. Masaya na ko dun.

***
Pagdating naman sa mp3 player, nakabili ako nun kasi mura lang naman, P2500.00 lang kaya gora na! nakatagal din siya sakin ng 3 taon. Maingat naman ako sa gamit e,, kung di sira o nawala, hindi ko pinapalitan. Un lang ang naging kaligayahan ko sa gadget, simpleng celfone at mp3 player,, kahit iwan mo ko sa isang tabi ng buong maghapon makekeri ko.

PAGBABAGO...

Sabi nga, kapag tumatanda, maraming nagbabago, sa expectations, sa motivations, sa standards, sa responsibilities, at marami pang iba.

***
I'm glad, isang taon na ako ngayong buwan na to sa kumpanya na to. Isang taon na mula nang nakawala sa masalimuot na sistema nuon na madalas kong maiblog dati. At sa paglipat ko, kasabay kong nakamit ang sweldo na gusto kong matamo mula pa non na hindi maibigay ng dati kong kumpanya. Lumevel up rin naman ang tingin ko sa sarili ko at masasabi kong kuntento na ko ngayon. Cheers to that! :)

***
Kinausap ako ng tatay ko isang araw, siguro mga ilang linggo palang mula nang lumipat ako ng kumpanya.
"Tulong-tulungan na muna tayo sa bahay ha. Alam mo naman un diba?" - Opo, alam na alam ko pu yon.
Binigyan niya lang naman ako ng ilang mga finacial responsibilities sa bahay. Maluwag sa sakin un., walang problema. And since single pa naman ako, why not??
Bukod sa binibigay ko sa bahay, lumaki rin ang gastos ko sa nirerentahan kong bahay malapit sa opisina.

Sabi nga, "With great power comes great responsibility." tanggap ko yon. Ganun talaga, hindi na kasi ako bata. Pero keri lang!

***
Isang araw, nagkausap kami ni Joy (roommate)..

Me: "Uy, anu yan.. Wow, bagong celfone!"
Joy: "Oo, bumili na ko ng bago, para naman masabi na may nangyayare sa sweldo ko kahit papano.. ung tipong may nakikita ako na naging bunga ng trabaho ko..."

Uu nga naman,, bakit parang ngayon ko lang naisip un.

Masaya na kasi ako na nakakabili ako ng mga gamit na kailangan ko gaya ng damit at sapatos.., pati na rin ang kumain ng masasarap na pagkain lalo na't pagod ako, at nakakapasyal sa mga beach kahit ilang beses ku gusto.. un lang naman kasi kaligayahan ko talaga.
Hindi ako materialistic, pero kagaya ni Joy,, parang naghahangad ako ngayon ng "something" para sa sarili ko. Ung may makikita ang mga tao sa paligid ko na may bitbit akong bagay na pinaghirapan ko.
Pwera yabang.

***
E di ayun na nga.
Ang haba pa ng justifications ko! hahaha!
well,, i just want to have this new ipod touch!
hopefully makuha ko na siya next month,, or at least before the year ends... haayy!
ang mahirap kasi e ung kukuhanan ko,, ishi-ship pa kasi and all.. still crossing my fingers!

marami na kong plano gawin kasama siya,, gusto ko siyang isama sa marami kong mga lakad! naeexcite na ko! ^_^


Currently Playing:
Otherwise by Imago
Taya by Up Dharma Down
Comfort in Your Strangeness by Cynthia Alexander

"I wonder what she would say to me right now if she could see me and see how I've been living and I wonder if she knows most days I fall short of being the person she wanted me to be... You know my life is pretty good, it is. But I was just searching for something to make it great just something to make it matter, so, I don't know..." - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill


Today is my Mom's 11th death anniversary.
Usually nagpopost ako ng tungkol sa kanya. kung kumusta na ko sa mga taon na nawala siya, kung sino ako ngayon dahil sa kanya, at kung ganu ko siya namimiss.
Pero di ko siya magawa dahil punong puno ang isip ko ngayon ng mga halu-halong bagay.

Hindi ko maintindihan, dati okay naman ako.. para sa 11 years, natanggap ko na wala na siya..

okay lang naman na maaga akong naging independent.. na naging self learner... macgyver pa nga ang tawag sakin ng friends ko kasi kahit mga imposibleng bagay nagagawa ko katulad ng pag-akyat sa likod bahay at pag-unlock ng mga pinto.

okay lang na wala akong debut party nung 18yo ako kasi wala na siya para mag-asikaso, di gaya ng sa ate ko na super engrande. sabi ko okay lang na sa beach nalang ako nagdebut kasama mga friends ko, pero deep inside, gusto ko rin ng mga 18 roses at party-party.

okay lang na hindi ko natutunan kung anu ang ibig sabihin ng graceful at sweet sa pagiging isang babae, ung daddy ko kasi masyadong matigas, ni hindi nga kami niyayakap nun e., hindi rin marunong magsabi ng kind words.. barkada ko pa puro lalaki, so kumusta naman ako??!

Lagi kong naiisip na okay lang ako, na naka-move on na ko since nawala siya..
Pero ngayon bakit andami dami kong tanong...

Mommy..
dati nung bata pa ko masaya na ko pag pinaghahati-hati mo saming magkakapatid ang isang balot ng m&m at kisses, bakit po ngayon hindi ako makuntento kahit andami dami ko nang kayang bilhin?

dati ang saya-saya nating buong mag-anak na nagsisimba twing linggo,, bakit po ngayon parang ang layo-layo ko na kay lord?

dati sabi nio sakin may tamang oras ang paglalaro. sa umaga hanggang 8-10 lang ako dapat nasa labas kasi masyado nang mainit, sa hapon naman 4-6 lang dapat kasi masama na maglaro sa gabi. sa ngayon po, kelan ko po ba masasabi kung dapat na kong tumigil o pwede pa kong magpatuloy?

lumaki ako na masayahin at alam nio po na dahil yun sa marami kong kaibigan. pero ngayon na marami nang nagbabago at marami nang umaalis, unti-unti kong naramdaman ang sakit dahil sa pagkawala nila.. bakit po parang nahihirapan na ulit akong magmahal?

bakit po natutunan ko na hindi umaasa sa iba pero nakakaramdam ako ng inggit sa iba na hindi kaya mabuhay nang walang ibang tao sa buhay nila?

bakit po hindi ako natutong maging sweet? para tuloy lagi kong ipinipilit ng sarili ko sa iba?

maliban po sa mga recipe na naituro nio sakin,, anu po bang recipe ng happiness? sana naishare nio sakin yan kasi dati parang ang saya-saya ng buhay nio.

Look at the brighter side of everything ika nga... Pero mula pa noon, un na ang mind-setting ko kaya masasabi ko na okay lang ako.. lagi akong nakangiti, masaya. pero may mga panahon na hindi ko alam kung totoo pa ang mga ngiting un. Minsan hindi sapat ang 'looking at the bright side of everything'. Andaming nawala sakin nung kinuha siya ni lord. andami kong gusto malaman na hindi kayang ibigay ng ibang tao, siya lang, kaso wala na siyang pagkakataon, ganun din ako. Marami pa pala akong dapat natutunan, sana mas nakilala ko pa siya., pero alam ko sa pagkakataong ito wala naman akong dapat sisihin. Life goes on pa rin ang drama ko at magiging paulit ulit nalang ito.

Ang daming nagsasabi na sobrang kamukha ko daw kayo lalo na nung dalaga pa kayo. :)
I miss you 'My! un lang naman ang gusto kong sabihin. Kahit short lang naging pagsasama natin, nakatatak na un sa isip ko, at kahit 11 years na ang nakalipas, hinding hindi ko pa rin nalilimutan ang bawat sandaling un.

I love you 'My! Hanggang sa muli nating pagkikita! :)


Currently Playing: Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce, Dare You To Move by Switchfoot,

"Sometimes things hit you in the most unexpected ways"

Paggising pa lang sa umaga mabigat na pakiramdam ko. Alam ko kasing merong mangyayaring ayoko sa araw nato. Ideya pa lang nakakabad trip na, dagdagan pa isang text message mula sa taong yon na mababago ang schedule ng pagkikita nio. ansaya diba? sira ang plano ko para sa buong araw.. minsan na nga lang maglleave- napurnada pa! good morning to me!

Should be Schedule:
* 9 am - meet my former HR head, punta sa SSS para mag-ayos ng mga dokumentong kelangan ayusin
* 12 pm - lunch
* 1 pm - mall
* 3 pm - go to my dentist
* 4:30 pm - go to a doctor - check up
* 6pm - home sweet home!

Instead Schedule:
* 9 am - lunch
* 11 am - lumabas ng bahay - hindi alam kung san pupunta.

Sana pumasok nalang ako, at least may masayang kausap sa opisina. Pero kelangan kong samantalahin ang once-in-a-blue-moon-leave ko.
Dapat rin nanahimik na lang ako sa boarding house,, pero grabeng nakakabato ang presensya ng tv na walang cable at ng kamang nanghihikayat na matulog.

Sumakay ako ng jeep mula muntinlupa, hindi ko alam kung san pupunta.. matapos ang halos kalahating oras na byahe nakarating ako ng binan, pinababa na ko ng driver. sumakay ulit ako ng jeep. tulala mode. ewan ko, gusto ko lang bumyahe, mawala, mapagod, lumayo. ang dami daming laman ng utak ko kahit labas-pasok lang naman ang mga ito..

* ayokong makita ang dati kong hr head at mag-ayos ng mga inaamag na mga files sa sss. hindi ko na trabaho un! na-turn over ko na sa kanya, bakit ako pa rin hinahanap nio?? isa pa, ayoko nang balikan ang mga bagay na tapos na sa akin.
* Wala na kong pera - ang haba ng August, ayaw pa matapos! ggrrr...
* gusto kong manood ng senate investigation ng pnp - di ko magawa, waalng cable!
* namimiss ko na ung dalawang close friends ko! ung isa serious sa pag-aaral, ung isa naman serious na sa girlfriend. wala na kong kakulitan, wala na kong kasabay kumain ng dinner, wala na kong kahagikhikan, wala na kong kausap ng malaliman. i must admit, namimiss ko na sila., nakakamiss din pala sila! wahehehe...
* love life ko - major major wala nang nagiging progress! TSE!!! :)
* at marami pang iba.

* 1pm - napunta ako sa cabuyao,, sa isang monastery doon.. madalas ako dun dati nung taga roon pa ko. Poor Claire Monastery. pag gusto kong ipahinga ang isip ko, dun ako napunta,, 3 years na since narelocate ako, kaya ngayon lang ako nakabalik dun. nagulat ako sa sarili ko, hindi ko pinlano, dun nalang ako dinala ng jeep. sarap talagang kausap ni Lord,, parang nagiging okay ang lahat. thank you po. :)

* 2:45 pm nakarating na ko agad sa sss office. dumating ung dati kong mam 3:10, not bad. sa lahat ng nangyare,, ayos ang kinalabasan ng meeting. mahabang proseso pero ang maganda nasimulan na. yeah!

* 6 pm - check up- buti nahabol ko pa ung isang doctor.. kaso wala na ung dentist ko.

andaming nangyare sa buong maghapon,, napagod ako kakabyahe,, amoy usok na ko!
minsan magugulat kana lang sa pwedeng mangyare kahit na alam mo na ang dapat iexpect. masaya din pala makareceive ng mga little surprises mula kay lord. parang sinasabi niya na: "my dear, dont under estimate me"

just when i thought that today is gonna be an undesirable day,, but it turned out to be a meaningful one!
Hanggang sa susunod na trip ride!

Currently Playing: You Already Know by Train

"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ." - The Little Prince


Why do i have to confine myself to isolation?
Why do I let myself be numb?
Why can't I be open as I was before?
Why do I continue to be cold as ice?

Maybe it's the most convenient way for me to live freely.
I keep my headphones up all day to not welcome any embrace
Do I aim for solitude? Do I long for silence?
Don't I have enough?

Coz I've been through pain. And I promised myself I'll never get to experience it again.
I've realized that i have nobody to take care of myself but me.
But I seem to encounter the same hurt over and over.
Am I not really learning anything at all?

Everytime I get to open up myself with someone, I always get burned.
I always say I'm gonna give myself a chance
But I can't help but build a wall, to refrain myself from being tamed.
Then I would blame 'me' for being in a movie theater alone.

I admit I long for love. But how can I if I don't know it at all?
Or let's say I've forgotten how to.
Half of my heart is not letting go and continuously giving myself a chance - to believe.
I'm trying my best despite the fear.

No more loud music from now on - for me to listen more clearly.
I'll see things more closely as much as I can.
I'll refrain from talking so that others could express themselves freely.
Then I'll let the other half of my heart to realize that I could be loved.


Currently Playing:
Flinch by Alanis Morissette
Half of my heart by John Mayer

"You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" -- Shrek

It's my first time to watch in a movie theater alone last Tuesday. I watched Shrek Forever After. Believe it or not - I cried.
I cried because as I watched, I realized how sad I was.
I cried because I felt the frustrations. (love)

Damn Forever After! Sino bang nagsabing totoo un??!! b

bitter. (LOL!)

After the movie, I felt great. I've never been so refreshed!

The movie gave me hope... that though there's a lot of imperfections,
we can be rescued by true love. Meantime, we better look and appreciate what we currently have and not what we don't have.
(i'd better read this again and again! haha!)

I love this Final Chapter of Shrek really! i can tell that this my favorite among the sequel. :)

Realization: Keep the Faith! kahit lunod na lunod na. :D
Currently Playing: I'm a Believer by Smash Mouth and For Once in my Life by Stevie Wonder

I believe that 2010 is a good year for me, I just realized.

As I read my past blogs and journals, I cant believe how lonely I was. Oh, I forgot! the reason why I created this blog is to make it an outlet of my emotions, where loneliness is most dominant. For some reasons like: missing my mom and my childhood, love that failed to blossom, damn bosses and admin (from my previous company), disappointments from officemates & friends and birthday blues.

I'm tired! I wanna break free - and I'm glad I did!

This freedom allows me to be more enthusiastic about life. It became clear to me that this year is my year to get back on my feet again and to start anew carrying the lessons I learned from my painful past. I can tell that I'm happier now... :) I started to work out again, jogging and biking - whew I love the sweat! I also started to put light make ups on my face which is really not my thing. Hihihi! I reorganized my things and all..to find new perspectives in everything I do. I've been to a lot of beaches this year and I'm planning go some place more! I feel free,, truly, it feels good to be unstoppable!

How could I be so blind to see the improvements I was able to attain.
My family is more intact now, i have a new job and great bosses, and although I'm not lucky enough to win the heart of the man I've waited, I learned how to love and hopefully be able to try again.:)

I wont promise that I'll no longer blog about my crappy past lonely life... if the need arises, I definitely will. But for now I wanna enjoy my life and the surprises that are yet to come. It feels like its my first time to discover this freedom. I dont know,, I got no long term plans and I stopped thinking about my goals. Now I am more ready for the unknown! I'm cool and smiling and enthusiastic!

And now... Let the Adventures begin!


Currently Playing: Colorblind by Counting Crows

I was in the midst of chaos in Puerto Galera during the sacred days that every Christian is observing. I promised myself to have a soul searching there in the presence of the sand, sun, trees, and cool air, my sanctuary indeed. But unfortunately, the opposite happened. Summer night outs, extreme sports, exposure to bisexuals’ way of life, presence of lust, vices… I was moved.
As I went home, I was in my unpleasant mood. Though I definitely enjoyed everything that we did there, I wasn’t able to do what I’m supposed to do (I wasn’t even able to open the book that I brought). So as I sit in the sofa and turned the tv on, I searched for something noteworthy. And there in a cable channel, I heard this man preaching (www.davidjeremiah.org). The topic wasn’t clear to me. He just gave me some points to reflect on:

* How’s my faith?? Is it empty?
* Why do I tolerate things now that I don’t even consider before? How do I find comfort in accepting things like that?
* Is my spirit stagnant? What happened to its discovered purpose?
* Where’s my focus???


I was disturbed by these questions. They darted on me bulls’ eye in my heart.

I observed my family. I realized that we weren’t that religious, although my Mom imposed on us to be dependent in the Lord, but still her time was short. Our family, as I can see now, is just simple. We celebrate the good times, we get mad at each other once in awhile but we’re able to talk it through, we watch tv together, we drink alcohol at least every week, we are free to do whatever we pleased, we all have our freedom given the consequences that corresponds to it, we love each other but hardly express it and most of all, respect dominates in us. We respect each others’ attitude, opinion and point of view in every life’s aspect. The thing is – where am I supposed to stand? Given the fact that my family isn’t so much concern about they’re spirituality (or maybe I don’t know).. Who then I must follow???


I clearly know the message from the preacher. And though its hard,, I know for sure the answers to those questions. Of course I do,, I was once nourished by teachings from Singles for Christ. But how can I do it?? Without the support system that I need, my family and SFC Community, and as I am surrounded now by a lot of manipulators around me,, teaching me the modern norms and standards, how can I get away from them?? How can I stand firm in my convictions? How can I be more focus on God’s purpose in my life?

It’s complex. Well, nobody said following Christ is going to be easy. One thing is for sure, as God gave me this wisdom,, I am RESPONSIBLE. And as the Lord promised that His grace is greater than our needs. I just hope that I can go back in the heart of worship soon.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Currently Playing: One Way by Hillsong
"You are the Way, the Truth, and the Light. We live by Faith and not by Sight. For you, we live it all for You!"

You can easily make people believe
of who you want to be for them.
“What you see is what is what you get.”
You often tell your friends that.
That’s pretty amazing. How do you do it??

You said you’re stupid, you don''t know a thing.
You said you didn’t mean it.
You said you’re in love when you’re playing.
You said everything that you say is just joke.
I thought I know you, but now, not at all.
So I say now you’re kinda pretentious.

How long will you play tricks with people?
How long will you find comfort from hiding yourself?
I thought you’re real when you’re with me.
I thought you're different,, I believed in you.
Just didn’t expect that.., but yeah, I should’ve known.

Currently Playing:
Go Your Own Way by The Cranberries

Loving you
Isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel

If I could
Maybe I'd give you my world
How can I
When you won't take it from me

You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way

Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you wanna do

If I could
Baby I'd give you my world
Open up
Everything's waiting for you

sabi nga ni ate,, lahat ng tao,, kahit ako - kahit di ko aminin - NAGBABAGO.


Currently Playing:

"Though i cant see you, i can feel you
I'm so glad you opened my door..."

by Eraserheads

hello! kumusta na kau??
busy-busihan ako ngayon... kakaloka!
ganun pala talaga pag seryoso na.. lol!
madami akong makukulay na kwento,, pero saka na muna un kasi limitado lang oras ko.
nami-miss ko lang talaga ang mundong ito!
haaayyy...

anyway,, gusto ko lang ishare ang song na madalas kong pinapaulit-ulit sa itunes...
ngayon ko lang siya naappreciate. nakakatuwa ang lyrics.. :)

From Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen
NEVER SAY NEVER by The Fray



There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x4]

nakapanood ako ng Grey's Anatomy Season 4 kahapon pagkatapos ng 50 years na pagmmovie marathon. napansin ko tong linyang ito na narelate ako... nainis si Christina sa babagal-bagal at walang kusang intern na si Lexie (lol)

Lexie: Are you okay?
Christina: Don't ask me if I'm okay.
Lexie: Okay.
Christina: Ugh, you make me sick. Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here, and don't give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams here, no buddies. You're on your own. Be on your own. - Losing My Mind


last friday.. medyo naasar ako sa officemate ko... ayaw niya tanggapin ang ilang trabaho na iiwanan ko... as i can see, kayang-kaya niya un at hindi ko naman irerecomend na ibigay sa kanya ung trabaho kung alam kong hindi niya kaya... its for her own advantage. pero tinanggihan niya ko.. medyo nanghihinayang ako kasi nakakahon nalang siya sa trabaho niya ngayon... simpleng simple nalang sa kanya lahat... at naiirita ako knowing na binibigay ko sa kanya ang work load na kung saan may chance siyang mag-grow..lalo pa ngayon na aalis na ko..

nakakahinayang at nakakairita... siguro dahil rin talaga sa rejection... pero yan ang nararamdaman ko ngayon...

baka mabasa mo to,..pasensiya na walang personalan ha, trabaho lang...
you're still my dear friend...
two weeks to go...
im going to miss you...

I’m trying to make a draft of my resignation letter. But I can’t type even a single word except, Dear Sir. Just last week, my friends happily informed me that they want me to join their team in their newly established advertising agency. My heart jumped in excitement as they explained to me how promising the company is. After a few days of thinking it through, I have finally decided and said ‘yes’ to their offer.


But right now,, my dilemma is whether to go or to stay. November 2004 since my current employer hired me to be their general accountant. I have learned a lot and gained a lot of friends. Working in an advertising industry is such a lot of fun. But I can tell that it’s very very frustrating for me. Frustrating because here is where I realized that I shouldn’t took Management Accounting as a college course. Maybe I should have taken Fine Arts major in Advertising, Creative Writing, Marketing and the like. Though I enjoyed my stay in this company and considered my officemates now as my own family, I can’t help longing to break free. I feel like a victim by our employer. As an accountant, I can see the flow of his financials and I realized that we, his employees are not included in his priorities. Unadjusted salaries, sometimes delayed, poor benefits, unremitted tax and other governmental benefits, and a bunch of – I can consider – rotten system practices of most Filipino employers who thinks that you’re lucky that he give you a job. Even the complimentary magazines that we used to receive every month from various publications, he blocked it. I know I should be thankful for having a job unlike a million other Filipinos struggling to have one. But I can’t help but wish to have a better employer. An employer who reminds you of your worth in their company and then if you’re lucky, you’ll receive incentives.
I have a lot of reasons to leave but same as to stay. I’ll miss the coziness in the office with my beloved officemates, who already know whenever I’m okay or not. The endless stories and laughter while we work, the cool sounds, the food trips during overtime, gimiks, fun photoshoots, the team effort that transformed us into responsible individuals, all of this and a lot more in almost 5 years, the reasons that dragging me to stay.
I’m contemplating in writing a letter… I don’t know how to start but I want it to be just simple and concise. As my Ate said, “formality lang naman yan eh!” And as to what I feel right now, I am grateful… for the years of tears and laughter, for everything that I experienced and learned, for the trials that made me hope, for not letting my hopes die and for facing a new phase in my life!

Currently Playing:

“Sleepless nights when your memory consumed me But they all have been long gone… I’m so much more than what you cared to see. You drove me away Now I can move forward. Move forward…” – Anthem by Urbandub

“Parked car this night sky, makes city lights shine like diamonds.. our song plays on the radio…” – First of Summer by Urbandub (theme song namin to habang nakatambay sa may kanto!)

Kagabi, sa kasarapan ng aking pagbabasa, nakaramdam ako ng pagdyingle. Dahil don, dali-dali kong itinaob ang libro kong binabasa at nagmamadaling pumunta sa banyo. Pinindot ko ang switch ng ilaw at dali-daling naupo. Nagtaka ako ng napansin ko na walang ilaw na nagbukas – pundido na siguro ang bombilya. Maya-maya pa ay naamoy ko ang halimuyak ng albatross. Ganung ganon. Bago ito kaya malakas pa ang amoy. Maya-maya pa, may biglang nagflash-back sa aking isipan sa gitna ng dilim. Lagi ring pundido ang ilaw ng cr namin sa dating bahay namin sa Panorama. Dahil sa walang nag-aasikaso non sa bahay, pare-pareho nalang rin kami nasanay na walang ilaw ron. Pero kapag kailangang-kailangan talaga, binubuksan namin ang ilaw sa likod-bahay na siyang kalikuran lang ng cr – para sa konting liwanag na maihahagip nito. Pagpasok dito ay maamoy na kaagad ang albatross na noon ay nakasabit sa tubo na di kalayuan sa gripo. Hindi nawawalan sa min ng albatros kasi kinasanayan na un kahit pa noong buhay pa si Mommy. As usual, kahit sa ganoong bagay ay nagiging nostalgic na agad ako. Sa ilang minuto ay may mga piling ala-ala ang napadaan sa isip ko. Tulad ng mga oras na nagmamadali kami tuwing umaga sa paggamit ng cr dahil may makulit na nakatok sa pinto na sususnod na magbabanyo. Ung kapatid ko, naririnig ko pa… “aba, ate, nilamon ka na yata ng kubeta dyan???!!” Dun din ako nagpupunta kapag ayokong marinig ang nakakarinding sermon noon ni Mommy =) Ilan lang yon sa napakarami. Maya-maya pa ay sa unahan ko na kinakapa ang pintuan,, natawa ako sa sarili nang napagtanto ko na nasa kanan bahagi na pala ang pinto sa banyo namin sa bahay ngayon. Magdadalawang taon na rin ang nagdaan mula nang umalis kami sa bahay kung saan kami lahat lumaki. Magdadalawang taon na pero sauladong saulado ko pa rin (o masasabi kong namin) ang bawat detalye ng bahay na yon,, na kung papipiliin ako, dun ko pa rin gugustuhing tumira hanggang sa pagtanda – sa tahanan ng aming napakasaya at walang kamatayang kabataan.

Currently Playing: Tama ka by Eraserheads

“Kay sarap sariwain ang malayang kahapon… ang hirap isiping ang layo ng noon…”

Ansaya! I was able to watch again The Dawn’s independently released film – Tulad ng Dati. The film won BEST PICTURE, BEST EDITING and BEST SOUND in the 2006 Cinemalaya Festival in the Philippines. Grabe, astig talaga! Kapanahunan ko to! Its about the life story of The Dawn and Jett Pangan’s as well. How he struggled about Teddy Diaz’s death, who happened to be his band mate and confidante. He became arrogant along the way and he forgot the importance of other band mates and friends who, in spite of all, remained in the group. Ibang klase pakiramdam! Id like to ask every Filipino to watch it. It is a part of Philippine history. I dont know what else to say about it. I almost cried. Just watch it. I enjoyed so much the story especially the conversation of Jett and Teddy there..some goes like this…

Teddy diaz: Think about this Jett,, pag may nawala sa isang tao, anong ginagawa?

Jett Pangan: Hinahanap.

Teddy: What if di mahanap?

Jett: Pinapalitan.

Teddy: What if hindi mapalitan?

Jett: Kinakalimutan.

Teddy: Last question, ano ang gagawin if yung nawala, ay hindi mahanap, hindi mapalitan, at hindi makalimutan?

Jett: Tinatanggap.

Yeah, acceptance.. it strike me in a way. There will come a point in our life where we’ll have to accept the version of truths of us as it unfolds in our very faces. By doing so, we’ll be able to discover a part of us, the part that you never thought existed. It’s hard but it’s liberating.

The show really made my night. Buti nalang umuwi ako ng maaga! Cool din ung utol ko kasi magkasama kami nanood. We both shared our comments about the conversations and flow of the film.

Currently Playing:

“…kung may bagyo o kung tag-araw sa iyong damdamin… sana ay makilala kang muli tulad ng dati…” - I sympathizes with you Kapatid! =)

“…basta’s kasama mo ako, iisang bangka tayo… anuman ang mithiin ay makakamtam natin…” – as always,, I’ll stay.

As I told you before, I was forced to live by myself near our office. I was contented to have myself a bedspace and gratefully gained new friends – my boardmates. After a year, two of them moved into a house that happened to be their staff house,, but they invited me and my other mate (Jhoy) to join them… and so we moved too. The house was good… just a little scary but its homey… it reminds me of my hideout in Panorama. But we stayed there for only more than a month after we held our Halloween party there (together with my officemates and Jhoy’s barkada – that was cool! –see my pics!) then the next day, our neighbors throw their complains on us. (KJ! it’s Halloween, c’mon!) So Jhoy and I was asked to move to other house.. (the complainants are powerful… isa lang masasabi ko,, mga pangit silang! Haha!) that was sad… but no regrets!

Come November,, we moved again to Jhoy’s friend’s available room. It’s a very cozy room – astig! It’s just that a lot of complications raised that made us to decide to leave that lovely place. After three weeks… babay again. Whew! Then finally, we found another room-for-rent in a nearby neighborhood.. where I am right now writing this. Hoping that this will be the last lipat-bahay we’ll ever have this year. I love being here now. It’s a studio type of room- quite small but we manage to make it cool and girly and comfortable – we used a lot of creativity to make it… hmmm… proud me! Hehe!

In just a very short period of time, four sets of keys occupied my keychain. It felt sad everytime I have to remove each set – it made me feel numb. I felt a feeling that I don’t belong to anywhere anymore. And it sucks! But it’s ok! Looking back… I feel so grateful that every lipat-bahay I had, my new friends (Jhoy’s barkada) are ready to help me carry my stuffs. Astig! Then I have my offcemates worried about me whenever I’m not with myself thinking about where am I supposed to find a new place to stay – and they keep me sane,, that’s the most important! J I’m glad though,, what more can I say… I have a new house!

Currently Playing: Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Reckon
I’ve been spending a lot of time or even days pondering what just had happened to me since mid August.
Time is exceptionally running in a flash.
So fast… I can’t even catch my breath.
So rapid… It seems like few minutes just past from last week.
I don’t know what to say anymore,, a lot of things had happened.
Every day is all different than others.
New experiences, new adventures, new acquaintances.. new found realizations…
Nothing seems repetitive, nothing to complain about, haha!
Everyday is a surprise,, how cool is that?!

My New Hideout
Before anything else, i wanna tell you about my new hideout. For those of you who doesn’t know,, my first hideout was in our old place In Panorama Ville, Sta. Rosa. It took me time before I find a place to be my new hideout. And now, I fin’lly found her. It’s a good simple place, near the school so somehow I feel a bright ambiance especially when I hear children’s voices every morning. Our room is lovely and warm,, perfect for our tired body after work. I’m with my former dorm mates who are now like my own sisters, accompanied by new friends/tambays that I can have cool conversations with and share loud hard laughs. Astig! I’m really striving to be more organized this time. An organized room mate is really a big factor. Well, I’m really trying, and I believe I’m learning… It’s never too late to change my bad rotten side, right?! hhmmm… wish me luck!

In The Absence Of Your Company

I’m facing a lot of revelations now. From my friends, the people around me…I’m quite worried. It’s just so unexpected, it caught me by surprise.. Its makes me wanna say, teka, isa-isa lang! But i can’t do anything about that, nothing that I can hamper the outcome. Its hard coz its coming from different people close to me, revealing things that challenges my convictions and perspectives. I know I should keep an open mind.

“I’m surrounded by liars, everywhere i turn I’m surrounded by Impostors,everywhere i turn…

I’m surrounded by Identity crisis, everywhere i turn

Am i the only one who noticed?
I cant be the only one concerned?
I don’t wanna be anything other that what I’ve been trying to be lately.
all i wanna do is think of me and i have peace of mind…

I don’t wanna be anything other than me.” - I Don’t Wanna Be by Gavin deGraw

I don’t know why I get easily affected by the circumstances divulged in front of my eyes. I don’t know for what reason but I get disappointed. And the disappointment doesn’t irritate me anymore but - it saddens me. Appallingly this is very new to me. That’s why right now, I’m running to the people with light heart and full of positive force - to make me smile as I start the day or at least before I sleep. And I’m thankful. As I reckon back how time had rapidly passed, I was terribly surprised to notice that now.. I have nobody to talk with about my concerns, my inner conflicts and even the most stupid Ideas I got in mind. It seems that a big part of me is lacking. It sinks to me just now - should I really have to get used to this? Where are you?

“At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just not facing the truth. some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one” - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill