Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na hindi na ko magsusulat ng kahit ano tungkol sayo.. na hindi na kita aalalahanin pa.. na wala na kong babalikan na matamis na nakaraan kasama ka...

“kaninang umaga nagising akong may bakas ng ngiti sa mukha. Kasama kita sa aking panaginip, sasabihin ko dapat sayo..” -Pupil

Dati rati lagi kitang napapanaginipan kasi malamang, lagi kang laman ng isip ko. Pero mula mga humigit kumulang isang taon mula nang umalis ka,, sobrang dalang na ng mga panaginip ko tungkol sayo,, hanggang sa tuluyan nang mawala.

Hanggang nung isang gabi,, muli kang nagpakita sa panaginip ko.

Siguro kasi kahit pigilan ko ang sarili ko, kahit ibaling ko sa ibang bagay ang aking isip,, hindi ko maitatanggi na lagi pa rin kitang naaalala.

Ilang taon rin ang nagdaan,, salamat sa mga minsanang pagch-chat, medyo nau-update rin natin ang isa’t isa. Masaya ako sa mga minsan na un, kahit papano nabubuo ang pag-asa ko. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at paano unti unting nawala ang communication natin. Maraming panahon na busy ka at minsan ako naman.

Alam kong hindi ka agad naging mapalad sa pangingibang bansa. Marami kang sakripisyo at pait na dinaanan, nakukuwento mo yun sakin dati, naalala mo pa ba? Nakakalungkot noon kasi wala akong kayang ibigay sayo kundi moral support na alam kong hindi sapat. Pero masaya ko pag sinasabi mong, salamat sa oras ko.

Sa ilang taong paghihirap at paghihintay, unti-unti mong naabot ang mga pangarap mo. Ngunit kasabay nito ang marami ring mga pagbabago. Pagbabagong naging sanhi ng paghihiwalay ng mga landas natin na malabo nang magkasalubong sa hinaharap.

“Sana pag alis ko,, ituloy mo rin ang mga pangarap mo..”

Nagpursige rin naman ako dito sa Pilipinas. Sa awa ng Diyos okay na ang trabaho ko ngayon di kumpara dati na wala akong ginawa kundi ang magreklamo sayo.

Hindi lang ako, pati ang iba pa nating barkada, isa-isa na ring nakakuha ng diskarte para makaangat sa buhay.

Matapos ang lahat ng paghihintay at pagtitiis dahil sa kawalan ng presensiya mo,, sa wakas uuwi ka na. Sobra kitang namiss! Kumusta kana kaya? Ganun pa rin kaya ugali mo, o baka suplado kana ngayon? Anu na kayang itsura mo? Pansin ko sa picture mo sa fb,, tumaba ka,, hehehe, bagay naman. Sabi mo sakin magpataba ako, well,, eto, nagpataba na ko ng bilbil at pisngi,, kaya ngayon hirap naman akong magdiet.

Wala na kong masyadong hinaing sa buhay,, hindi na ko galit sa mundo masyado, in short,, retired na ko sa pagiging emo. Ung problema ko sa tatay ko, hindi na mawawala un,, natutunan ko nang tanggapin na ganun siya talaga. Un ung pilit mong pinapaintindi sakin dati.

Nung umalis ka, naging guide sa kin ung mga advices mo, lagi kong naaalala ung mga pinag-usapan natin.

Marami pa kong gustong ikwento sayo. Marami akong gustong sabihin… Sana makapagkwentuhan naman tayo.. Un nga lang marami kang kailangang gawin at bisitahin sa pag-uwi mo. Alam ko ring magiging abala ka dahil sa kanya.

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Hindi ko naman masasabing hindi totoo ang naramdaman ko sayo.

Halos nandun na tayo, pero pagkakataon ang nagpasya. Kailangan mong mangibang bansa para hanapin ang sarili mo at tuparin ang mga pangarap mo.

Mula noon inasahan ko na na mangyayari ito. Pinilit kong kalimutan kana lang kesa umasa pa na may patutunguhan pa ang sitwasyong ito kung saan wala akong panghahawakan.

Mahirap din ang tanggapin sa sarili ko na hindi na matutupad ang pangarap ko na maging tayo.

Masyado nang malayo at malabo.

Dati sabi ko, pagbalik mo, hindi na ko duwag. Pero ngayon, wala na kong dahilan pa para maging matapang pa para sayo.

:)

Sana nalang makapagpasalamat nalang ako sa ginawa mo para sa kin.

Salamat sa pag-encourage mo na iayos ko ang buhay ko. Salamat kasi nalaman ko ang halaga ko dahil sayo. Alam kong para sayo wala un, pero mahalaga un para sa kin.

Salamat dahil natuto akong magmahal sa sarili ko, in the same way na natuto din akong magpakita ng pagmamahal ko para sa iba.

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Sana sa pag-uwi mong ito, magkaroon na ng tuldok ang mga tanong sakin. Sana maging malinaw na ang lahat at matahimik na ako. Sana makapagsimula na rin ako muli.

Sana sa susunod na tatlong taon, mas mabuti na tayong tao.

Salamat. Kita-kita sa dulo!

Currently Playing: Ang Katulad Mong Walang Katulad by Orange & Lemons, Bright Lights by Matchbox 20, Dyad by Dong Abay, The Man Who Can’t Be Moved by The Script, Doesn’t Mean Anything by Alicia Keys

“Sa puso at damdamin hindi ka maglalaho

Lagi kang iisipin kahit nasa malayo

Wag sanang kalimutan kapag ako’y wala na

Na nagkasama minsan sa hirap at ginhawa.

Ako ay nangangarap na lagi kang makita

Alam ko na mahirap mag-antay ng pag-asa

Makinig ka sana sa sasabihin ko

Ikaw ang ala-ala na maganda ang mundo.” -Dyad

Guess it’s worth cheating. I still love you.

"Memories are wonderful things if you don't deal with the past." - Celine, Before SunsetI have enough of the past...


Yoko na balikan..

Bawat maling nagawa o nasabi...
Bawat bagay na dapat sinabi pero di nagawa...
Bawat maling pagkakataon...
Bawat masasayang oras at puno ng pag-asa...
Bawat pinangakong hindi naman natupad...
Bawat magagandang bagay na naglaho na
lang nang hindi namamalayan...

Lahat yan nakalipas na - at hindi na babalik pa.
dapat naman na talikuran na...

Kelangan ko nang magsimula ulit at gumawa ng mga bagong mali,
bagong masasayang oras, bagong pag-asa at bagong pangako...

Currently Playing:
Cannonball by Damien Rice

“When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself. When I experienced humiliation and total submission, I was free.” - Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

I’ve always been a loser.. maybe thats why i am born in this world, to substantiate what it means to be a winner.
I accepted that fact long time ago and every time I have my encounter with defeat i often say to myself,, “Ah okay,, no big deal!”or “Maiba naman!”.
Whenever i thought that victory is at hand,, I always can’t believe it myself.
As I grow up, I’m learning some good ways to deal with defeat,, either through joke or through a clever remarks.
Enough with the blah blahs.... my aim is not to take sympathy but to be understood.

When it comes to you, I know from the start that I’m gonna lose you like any other things and people that came and went in my life.
I learned a lot from you... I learned to love and not expect anything in return.

Coz in love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. it hurt when i lost the various people in my life. now, though I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone.

Well,, for a girl like me,, having you in my life was like winning a consolation prize. And as I embrace my defeat,, i honestly profess that in that short period of time, I was truly happy. :)


a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
- Ecclesiastes 3:2-8

Currently Playing: Over The Rainbow by Jason Castro

It's been awhile!
Masasabi ko na sa loob ng halos tatlong buwan... ang dami nang nagbago sa mundo ko... ehehehe... nakaka excite! :)

1. Hmmm....sasabihin ko na mas masaya na ko ngayon. driving force ko pa man din sa pagsusulat ang pagiging malungkot (apir Bob Ong!), e tinantanan niya ko pansamantala. i think that explains kung bakit ngayon lang ako nagparamdam... so okey!

2. Sobrang busy,, to the point na panggising ko sa umaga ang thought na kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho at sa gabi pag-uwe,, kama ko nalang ang namimiss ko. sabi nga ng iba,, refuge daw ang pagiging busy para sa mga taong laging nag-iisip. salamat sa room mate ko sa paghila sakin palagi pabalik sa pagiging tao - thanks for sharing me your friends! =)

3. Ngayon ko na napagtanto kung paano nagiging 'heaven' ang pagkain ng masasarap, panonood ng sine, at pagpapabody spa - para sa mga taong physically pagod. sabi rin ng officemate ko, maliban sa saya at sarap na naidudulot nito, may kinalaman din ang 'purchasing power' sa satisfaction na ibinibigay nito! uhmm,, guess its right.

4. Christmas spirit is in the air... though i hate this season, tingin ko okey lang naman ako ngayon unlike in the past few years. may mga bata kasi sa bahay namin, kahit papano alam kong karapatan nilang magsaya sa mga panahong ganito at hindi ako para mandamay ng topak ko. panay ang isip ko para sa mga pangregalo, mejo nakakastress pero okey lang. tis the season to forgive and forget- sana mapatawad na ko ng mga may tampo sakin. i know its hard for me to be sincerely happy sa mga panahong to, but somehow i know i have to give myself a chance... little by little.. year by year...

5. Ang slot na ito ay para sana sa isang magandang kwento.. un nga lang, hindi ko lam kung pano simulan... kaya ilalarawan ko nalang ito sa pamamagitan ng lyrics.., dun naman ako magaling e..

if it wasn't the oceans, wasn't the breezes,
wasn't the white sands, i might be not needed.
if i could sleep through the coal mines,
if i could breathe through hatred, if i could work through the summer, then i wouldn't feel so humble.
oh you, its always you, its always you.
if red roses weren't so lovely, wine didn't taste so good,
stars weren't so romantic, then i could do what i should.
oh you, its always you, its always you.
if you love i could command it, get your head to understand it,
i'd go twice around the world, eventhough i may not find it.
oh you, its always you, its always you.

nakakamiss talaga ang mag blog... gaya ngayon,, masaya na naman ako. well,, sana magleave muna ang pagkarobot sakin... goodluck naman :) pano,, until then!

Currently Playing: Always You by Sophie Zelmani

gumising ako kaninang umaga, nagmamadali.. dahil lagi nalang ako nalelate ngayon sa trabaho... last week ko naman na kaya hindi nako sinisita.. pagdating sa office,, timpla ng kape.. sabay nagpatawag nako ng meeting ulit para sa pagtturn over ko. busy buong maghapon... hanggang sa namataan ko kung anung petsa na ngayon...

September 9, 2009.

isang linggo nang naka-on ang alarm ko para sa araw na ito... hindi ko nalimutan pero hindi lang ako makapaniwalang ngayon na pala un... ang bilis ng panahon,, hindi ko namalayan.. ika-10 taon na pala nang kinuha ka ni Lord sa piling namin.

plano ko umattend ng Mass para sayo. at dahil kinailangang mag overtime, hindi ko na nagawa. tumawag ako kay ate,, malungkot niyang ibinalita sa akin na may sakit siya at hindi niya kayang pumunta sa bayan para makapagsimba gawa walang mag-aalaga sa mga bebi niya. pero pare pareho kaming nagdasal para sayo.

sa loob ng sampung taon, kahit masakit ang paglisan mo, hindi ko mapigilan ang pagiging proud na ikaw ang Mom ko! tuwing napag-uusapan ang mga nanay talagang hindi ako nawawalan ng kwento tungkol sayo. tuwing may nakikilala akong mga kaibigan na may nanay pa, inggit na inggit ako.

iniisip ko tuloy kung kasama pa kita,, malamang numero unong tagasupsrta ka sa mga pinagsususulat ko! siguro lagi tayong nalabas, nagwiwindow shop, nakain sa labas, at nanonood ng sine. simple lang kasi kaligayahan ng mo e,, sayo siguro talaga ako nagmana. siguro ikaw rin ang madalas kong kachikahan kapag may insomia attack ako., si ate kasi lagi nakong tinutulugan pagnagkkwento ako every weekend pag umuuwi ako.

sa awa ng diyos unti-unti na rin po akong nagiging okay sa kabila ng pagiging wasak ko ngayong taon. sayang, kung andito ka,, siguradong matutuwa ka sa progress sa buhay ko, masaya ka ngayon kasi ok na ang career ko. siguro magiging proud ka rin sakin. at alam kong ikaw din ang numero unong sasaway sa mga natutunan kong bisyo.

sayang mom, sana kasama ka namin.. alam mo, naging close na ulit pamilya natin.. alam kong gustong gusto mo un..
nga pala, makukulit na mga apo mo.. :)
si dad busy sa business niya pero masaya siyang nauwi sa bahay kasi madalas kumpleto kami.

sana nga pala nakilala mo mga kaibigan ko na humihila sakin pataas. ok sila kasama, sigurado magkakasundo kayo lalo na sa videoke sessions!

sana kung nandito ka,, lagi na kitang maittreat! anung gusto mo, palabok ng jolibi o lomi ng chowking? bibili tayo! kahit anung gusto mo... naisip ko nga minsan anu kaya kung ngayon ka nagkasakit at nangailangan,, may pambili na tayo ng mga tamang gamot para sayo,, mas maaalagaan ka namin kasi kaya na namin ngayon.

hayyy,, ayoko nang maluha.. lalaki lalo ang eyebags ko. alam ko namang mas ok kana ngayon. pasensya kana kung lagi kitang naddisappoint. malabo man sabihin na iniaalay ko sayo ang bawat ginagawa ko, pero hindi ko maiwasan ang magkamali. kulang talaga siguro sa guidance. pero tama ka, may tamang timing talaga si God sa lahat ng bagay! gaya ngayon... :)

i love you Mommy! we miss you so much!

currently playing:
TIME IN A BOTTLE by Jim Croce
If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you
If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with
If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you
But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find themIve looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

special thanks to reigun.. eto na, nagawa ko na ung post para sa mom ko! tnx! :)

August 21, my girlfriends and I had our night out (by the way, they are Cel, Carla, Khate and Anne, my high school close friends). It was Cel and Khate’s post birthday celeb so we decided to go somewhere we can eat and celebrate, see a movie and drink coffee after to catch up. SM Sta. Rosa was a fair place for that event.


As we enter Pizza Hut we saw familiar faces. It was Lana and Jomar, high school classmates of ours. It was weird to see them out dining alone though I heard some news back then that they really got close during college since they both studied in Manila. They said they are just friends and they have their own love lives – okay! As I said, it’s just weird.


Truthfully, Jomar was my first love. Nobody in my girlfriends knew about that, only two of my friends back in high school but I have not been with them for a long time now.

He has changed. He got fat, haha! He was cuter back in high school. I remember his sweet eyes and warm smile. Our comfortable conversations about how we hated the world and love music. We exchanged cassette tapes and CDs of Eraserheads albums, Rivermaya, PNE, Survivor, Cruisin love song selections, Scorpions and a lot more. I still have Phil Collins’ best hits album that he gave me, though it doesn’t play anymore. I remember, I lend him some song hits with chords of Eheads songs and the 1001 Book, we also shared some tips in playing guitar. I still have the drawing he gave me of Ghostfighter character, Dennis, the one with the rose. He was very good on it and I loved it. It was with him that I started to appreciate and understand every song’s lyrics from the song “Halaga”. I remember how he brighten up my day everyday in our high school years that I wonder how I managed to hide it from him and from our classmates. I’ll never forget the day he held my hand one afternoon before school departure. I still have the card he gave me before we graduate. Lastly, I still remember how I felt when he told me that he was falling for our classmate Chat, a beautiful musician.


He sat beside me. Since we never had the chance to communicate after our graduation day, we were able to talk about it that night. We shared some laugh and brief stories. I learned about his career and failed relationship as I told him mine. We talked about how he thought he was about to be married, then how he struggled to overcome a bad break up and what the pain had made him.

It’s good to know that I don’t feel the same, I mean I don’t get hurt anymore unlike before. Duh! It’s been like.. uhm.. 8… 9 years, I even don’t remember the sound of his voice! We don’t know what happened to us, we never dared to talk it out. My sister said I’ve been fooled. Well, I guess we all have our fair share of being foolish when in comes to love. I’m glad that everything was just so cool and it’s good to be hearing from him after all these years! I just wonder if he had anything to do with my love life that just quite made a little pattern that started from what happened in us. ;) Well, I just wish him – well!

I still remember a lot of things we’ve shared. I guess, that’s just the way I love, that’s the way I am. I don’t know if he still remember some of the things I’ve mentioned but if ever we’d be able to talk about this... I know we’ll be laughing so damn hard!

Currently Playing: Dear Paul by Barbie’s Cradle
Now by MYMP

UTTERLY PROFOUND, YOUNGBLOOD article, Feb. 3, 2009

“HELLO,” I SAID SLUGGISHLY. MY BODY WAS SHAKING while I held the phone. It must have been the dreadful, chilly winds brought about by the harsh winter season.
“Hey, my dear! Did I wake ya?” was the quick energized response.
“yeah, ya did. What time is it? Where are ya?”
“I’m sorry. It’s a lil’ past three. I’m at a lil’ coffee shop down in Sunset.”
I didn’t even bother to ask him what he was doing in Hollywood hours before the crack of dawn. He should have been in bed, like other normal people.
While he mumbled for some time, I contemplated that my voice mail should have picked up his call. But the phone rang more than thrice. I thought it was a long distance call from back home and there was an emergency. The Philippines and Los Angeles had a 16-hour time difference, that’s why.
At any rate, I was awake.
Then he finally told me that I should closely listen to the story he was about to tell. He said it happened one afternoon after he go out of work and strolled around a park in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Wanting to relax, he sat down in one of the benches. Minutes later, he saw an old woman on a wheelchair and a baby on a stroller crossing diagonally right in front of him at the exact same moment.
“When life ends, life begins,” he said in a very soft voice.
For a brief moment, I was silent and my body trembled even more.
Even after our conversation ended, I was still in shock. A simple story, yet utterly profound. I couldn’t get back to sleep and ended up staring at the wall for hours and hours until I finally mustered enough strength to get out of bed and get ready for work.
In a sense, he had conveyed the power of moving forward and starting anew even when everything seemed to have fallen apart.
To top it all, it was just days after he gave me the most exquisite and precious Christmas present I have received so far: a small crystal figurine of a unicorn affixed in a mirrored glass. His words:

“The symbolism of the unicorn I picked out for you is of purity and innocence, kind of virginal, so to speak. The reason I got it for you is simple: I care about you. I wanted you to have something more genuine than a sweater, a dress, or some tacky present. But also so you would know that we might not be together forever, but I wanted to share with you the meaning behind the unicorn. Some day, when you’re having a hard time, look at the unicorn and understand that everything will be okay. I know it doesn’t seem that way when you’re worrying about something or you are in a middle of a crisis, but unicorns do exist. God made them too. They bring hope along with a good prayer.”

To my amazement, he manifested immense spirituality. Although he never really pressed any specific religious teaching, he always managed to stir my soul.
Astonishingly, he has the gift of discernment. He has the ability to comprehend beyond the five senses. For instance, he foretold the quick recovery of a young lady who was run over by a car and was bound to a wheelchair after doctors insisted that she could never walk again. He also knew that I went to the beauty salon for a haircut although we had not seen each other for months.
Unbelievable as it may sound, he can quickly recognize the presence of a good spirit or an evil omen.
At one point or another, he played different roles in my life. He was a friend (and he still is). He was a lover. He was a teacher. He was the closest thing I ever had to a soul mate.
He made me realize the beauty in life in a world filled with chaos, injustice and selfishness. More significantly, he taught me something even greater: to have faith again, to believe again.
__________________________
Tara Yap, 27, works for a newspaper in Iloilo City and is also a research assistant for project-based researches in UP Visayas

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that theres time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that shes back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that theres time to grow, hey, hey

Now that shes back in the atmosphere
Im afraid that she might think of me as plain ol jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly
so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you
even when I know youre wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance
five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

>>bull's eye