Christmas time has a power to break my heart, so much that it can make me breakdown and cry. I can still clearly remember how my late Mom loved the season along with the music, colors and traditions attached to it. During Christmas time we would decorate our house. She often tell us how good it is to feel the Christmas spirit. Every night we would stare out the window, watch the colored lights and listen to its tune.

It's been awhile!
Masasabi ko na sa loob ng halos tatlong buwan... ang dami nang nagbago sa mundo ko... ehehehe... nakaka excite! :)

1. Hmmm....sasabihin ko na mas masaya na ko ngayon. driving force ko pa man din sa pagsusulat ang pagiging malungkot (apir Bob Ong!), e tinantanan niya ko pansamantala. i think that explains kung bakit ngayon lang ako nagparamdam... so okey!

2. Sobrang busy,, to the point na panggising ko sa umaga ang thought na kailangan kong pumasok sa trabaho at sa gabi pag-uwe,, kama ko nalang ang namimiss ko. sabi nga ng iba,, refuge daw ang pagiging busy para sa mga taong laging nag-iisip. salamat sa room mate ko sa paghila sakin palagi pabalik sa pagiging tao - thanks for sharing me your friends! =)

3. Ngayon ko na napagtanto kung paano nagiging 'heaven' ang pagkain ng masasarap, panonood ng sine, at pagpapabody spa - para sa mga taong physically pagod. sabi rin ng officemate ko, maliban sa saya at sarap na naidudulot nito, may kinalaman din ang 'purchasing power' sa satisfaction na ibinibigay nito! uhmm,, guess its right.

4. Christmas spirit is in the air... though i hate this season, tingin ko okey lang naman ako ngayon unlike in the past few years. may mga bata kasi sa bahay namin, kahit papano alam kong karapatan nilang magsaya sa mga panahong ganito at hindi ako para mandamay ng topak ko. panay ang isip ko para sa mga pangregalo, mejo nakakastress pero okey lang. tis the season to forgive and forget- sana mapatawad na ko ng mga may tampo sakin. i know its hard for me to be sincerely happy sa mga panahong to, but somehow i know i have to give myself a chance... little by little.. year by year...

5. Ang slot na ito ay para sana sa isang magandang kwento.. un nga lang, hindi ko lam kung pano simulan... kaya ilalarawan ko nalang ito sa pamamagitan ng lyrics.., dun naman ako magaling e..

if it wasn't the oceans, wasn't the breezes,
wasn't the white sands, i might be not needed.
if i could sleep through the coal mines,
if i could breathe through hatred, if i could work through the summer, then i wouldn't feel so humble.
oh you, its always you, its always you.
if red roses weren't so lovely, wine didn't taste so good,
stars weren't so romantic, then i could do what i should.
oh you, its always you, its always you.
if you love i could command it, get your head to understand it,
i'd go twice around the world, eventhough i may not find it.
oh you, its always you, its always you.

nakakamiss talaga ang mag blog... gaya ngayon,, masaya na naman ako. well,, sana magleave muna ang pagkarobot sakin... goodluck naman :) pano,, until then!

Currently Playing: Always You by Sophie Zelmani

December 19, I was having a not so good day, that’s when we knew that we have no bonus to receive. ‘Unfair’ is the right word to explain the day. ‘oh well’ I said. Maybe that’s part of my punishment for hating xmas. And so I kept quiet and I just wanted to spend the rest of the night drinking. To make the story short.. we’re on my way to Alabang carrying a lot of stuffs,, gifts from our officemates.. until Jason and Carlo told me that I need to go home. I just gave them a confused look. I said I want a drink right away.. but then I was shocked when they gave me their gifts. I was really surprised! 2 books of Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Breaking Dawn! That’s why I need to go home pala! Carlo is also my monito in our gift giving in the office and he gave me 2 books of Paulo Coelho. Astig! Both of them are wishing me to have a happy xmas. and for that,, they completed my wish lists- im thinking that I don’t deserve those but still - its amazing! Then I thought.. these two friends that I have gave me not only the precious books,, but they gave me the best gift I had for the season… it’s the realization that Christ is still with me., eventhough im hesitant to recognize His presence. He’s with me to make me happy, to help me look forward to positive things, to feel the presence of those who love me.. He gave me hope through people that in the same way are thankful for my presence.

Thank you for your gifts everyone! Thanks for getting me back on my feet!

Currently Playing: Lightyears by Eraserheads

I’m really hoping that the good things are yet to come. It even made me listen to those who are talking about good lucks in Feng Shui.. about the Year of the Ox and of how lucky are those who are born in the year of the Boar because they are friends with Ox. Whatever that means. I just want to stay positive! I need some drive… fire! I’m really working on it! With the help of my friends and family,, hopefully,, like the other years that passed, this year too shall pass..and I’m gonna make it!

Got my dreams, got my life, got my love

Got my friends, got the sunshine above

Why am I making this hard on myself

When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy

Eto na naman ako.. I cant remember since when I hated xmas.. Its not that I hate Christ.., oh my,, I cant do that! – its just that for me, its sad. I’ve been vocal about this matter… and I understand when people around me don’t. They say I’m weird.. well, I tell them that they don’t need to be bothered by me not wanting the occasion… they just have to respect that. I don’t know, maybe because the occasion reminds me most of my mom.. of the happy times.. the celebrations, the comfort, the hope that the occasion brings… and its painful., knowing that things will never be the same again… i cant remember anymore how to be happy during xmas season.. funny. Yes, I haven’t really moved on.. I guess that’s the way it’s going to be.. and I don’t know when will this stop. I’m grateful though.. for my family, friends, and other blessings. Thanks for wishing me to have a merry xmas! I appreciate it! God bless!

Currently Playing: Sana Ngayong Pasko by Lea Salonga, The Man Who Cant Be Moved by The Script

After the good message I got from my birthday… I believe by now I finally decided to be happy. As a friend always says, “mind over matter”. It’s right. I always believe that everything happens for a purpose. I think that all the down moments needed to happen in order for us to realize the essentials in this life. it’s like in swimming… when you’re in the water and you find your muscles tired of moving and you’re about to get drowned… you must let yourself get down… pull down the gravity… reach the bottom… then kick it hard for you to rise up again… to swim again. In my case.. I embraced them all… the loneliness, failure, disappointments, emptiness,,.. and now I can say.. I’m getting better!

"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part
of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can’t
remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel
something else, something that feels wrong, only because it’s so
unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize you’re happy."
- Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill

Currently Playing: Breathe by Anna Nalick

hi there! happy birthday to me!!!!
so to start the day… @ 12 am im in alabang,got drunk with Millimeter friends… in the morning… 8:30am.. i feel terrible… i head is bad. but i feel better when i saw a box of chocolates in my office table, toni gave me..yum yum! mam lina, my boss, told me that my day is free.. i can do other things in office other than work… whoa! how cool is that?

but since i dont have a fone right now, my supposed-to-be-special-day become so quiet.. as i said yesterday, im not feeling so good nowadays… well maybe thats how its gonna be… being far from your family is really hurting…especially when you wake up in the morning and there is no one to greet you of that special day…

it made me feel better when i opened my friendster account and found my brother leave a comment on my friendster… a great feeling indeed…

in the night,, i asked toni to accompany me in the nearest chapel,, i prayed so hard that it is open.. lucky me! its not only open, there is also an on going Mass! we attended the Mass and talking to God is really a wonderful feeling… it completed my day! we stayed at Diaz (a bakery) eat something and talked about a lot of important issues in our lives.. cool indeed! thanks Toni, i really appreciate it! love you sis! mwah! ^_^

i went home and had a brief chat with sis. Anne, a great firend.. updates.. also a quick conversation with kuya abe (ex-officemate)… which leaves me a good message for my birthday… it goes like this…

abe: buti masaya na sya
madj: yea… thats true…
abe: ikaw…are you happy?
madj: huh?
abe: haha
madj: what a question?
abe: bkt? masama bng maging masaya?
madj: well, yan ang question na mahirap sagutin ng oo para sakin
madj: gusto ko maging masaya, but i cant,…
abe: alam mo madj…happiness is a state of mind…it is your choice/decision if you like to be happy or not…right?
madj: yeah…
madj: what if there is no reason to be happy?
abe: hehe well….in time…you can finally say you’re happy…if you have finally decided to be happy…
abe: you can make it happen….kaw pa
madj: thanks kuya abe.. it means something to me…
(sana lang mabasa mo to! *_*)

thats all for tonight… i need to face something important tomorrow.. well good luck for me.. my moment of truth… pray for me… thanks.. it means a lot!

Currently Playing: Shake ye Head by Eheads

Hi there!

Today is Carlo’s birthday and the day started in the office full of energy and spirit. Loud music, laughter everywhere,… everybody - happy.

I was troubled when I realized that I didn’t feel good after that good laugh.. I noticed that I automatically get back to my poignant mood. Why cant I be happy everytime? I know how good it feels to be happy.. to laugh hard… to smile.. but now, I just cant even if I want to.

So what I did… I keep myself busy all day. I give myself a favor that as much as possible I will avoid thinking (yes, that’s my new pastime, to think a lot about everything til I finally see myself staring to nowhere). I was the dj for the day and I played my rb’s and mellow songs in the afternoon. That was good coz I’m getting busy planning what song to play next… sounds to soothe the mood of everyone in the room.

Well, I actually don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I know that tomorrow will be a special day for me but it doesn’t seem to be. I don’t know but I feel a bit anxious.

Now in my headset, with loud hard sounds… waiting for the time to pass till its 6 o’clock. Then we’ll go party to celebrate the birthdays!! Astig! Once again…sige lang… agos lang… one thing is for sure.. it will all end.. I know I’ll be happy again… things will never be this hard for me… for the mean time… wear a smile… drink beer and party!


(here are some photos of our clubbing that night at Antakya)

Currently Playing: Gone by Urbandub

hello there… musta, anu balita?? hehe…

im spending my days just in a calm state.. haha, hindi ako warfreak ngayon haha! well, masaya naman patambay tambay kun san san… its cool, though.. e, aun lang ang kaya e… footlong footlong… squid balls, prends prays… and my new craving… PENOY na may Sabaw!! woohoo!! dbest!!

im spending my weekends in our home…watching Onetreehill… aun addict na talaga… sobrang kareer.. walang patawad,, umaangal na nga ung dad ko e! but its ok lang, e dahil sa love niya ko, pinagbibigyan na lang niya ko… ahihi! aun, paganun ganun, nood ng dvds… nood ng fpj films para makibonding sa mga kamag-anakan (i could say na fpj films are really good!)… then kinig ng Urbandub,, Hopiamanipopcorn songs, soundtrips, tambay with my millimeter friends.. tumawa ng tumawa, magjamming.. the rest of the week,, sumasaya na rin… kahit walang celfone… haha, im back to the primitive time.. ang simple lang.. pero namimiss ko rin ang makatanggap ng mga quotes kung kani-kanino, yeah! saka nga pala ansaya kasi aus na ung friendster account ko.. simple nalang ren.. saka marami narin akong bagong mga nadidiscover sa net.. which is good..

well.. my birthday is fast approaching and now im busy thinking how i want to spend it.. tomorrow will be carlo’s birthday already and he’s planning to have a night-out celebration somewhere in alabang… hmmm… i must admit… im more than excited for his celeb than mine! how is that?! haha! i guess i want to have a simple celeb with officemates (who else, maiba naman, haha!)… basta.. enjoy lang ako ngayon… tawa lang.. agos lang… ngiti lang… everythings gonna be alright kahit nasa gitna ng people-always-leave-lonesome-syndrome ko.. whatever that means…

sige, unitl then! *_*

Currently Playing: Superstar ng Buhay ko by Swissy and Kung kailangan mo ako by Session Road.. (wala lang.. un ung nasa streaming audio e.. oldskul but astig!)