kanina, inayos ko ang mga picture ko sa friendster.. maya-maya nabuklat ko ang friendster blog ko. namiss ko naman bigla.. binasa ko ulit,, at may part sa akin na hindi ako makapaniwala.. akalain ko bang malampasan ko lahat ng mga nangyare sakin non.. kung ampalaya ako ngayon,, 3x pa ako dati! ganunpaman, nakakatuwa ring basahin at balikan, mas naappreciate ko kasi kung anu ang meron ako ngayon... :)

may irepost lang ako,, sa lahat ng nabasa ko,, dito ako natawa.. baliw lang talaga! sinulat ko to nung malapit na kaming ma-evict sa bahay naming mahal.

how to deal..

Yes, I understand now that
whatever life brings, there is a purpose which only happen to be unrealized yet
but it will eventually follows. I always say to myself that anywhere the wind
blows, it doesn’t matter.. I can get through. I know I can. Guess im in the
so-called “process” of moving on,, punyeta! whatever that means!

It seems that my life is in chaos. The emptiness I feel is caused by several problems settling in my way that turned my direction in a different path. Trying to focus and yet wanting
to lose control. Thinking for a solution but hopelessness and sadness gets in the way. Faint. A month or two from now things will be all different and hard for me but still I haven’t got any plan or even options for myself. Still in the state of shock? Yeah, maybe a couple of weeks now.. ugh! I allow myself to. Wail.

How to deal with changes by really trying…

As much as possible I try to avoid being senti,, I had enough especially during my insomniac hours! Im losing my appetite and whats keeping me alive and kicking are coffee and cigarettes. Sometimes I want to shout out loud, to smash things, to throw everything out of the door and watch fragile things broke into pieces! Arghh! I just imagine myself doing those but never got the courage to do so! (takot ko nalang sa daddy ko!! Hehe!)

TV got into my nerves,, I cant leave the remote alone. Work and work in the office,, chat and chat and laugh and laugh, I really need it I guess, otherwise insanity may come along. Thanks for the friends who are still around and even more challenged to handle such senselessness (the band-aid-brigade as I call it).

My current theme song: hand in my pocket – “Im lost but im hopeful.. Im free but im focused.. im green but im wise.. im sad but im laughing.. yeah! So what it all comes down to, is there anything gonna be fine, fine, fine? Coz I have one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving a peace sign!”

Im thankful I was able to overcome those.. But things are more different now, more difficult, I can tell. but as the saying goes: "This too shall pass" - I believe that!

Currently Playing: Hand in my Pocket by Alanis Morissette

"Sometimes things hit you in the most unexpected ways"

Paggising pa lang sa umaga mabigat na pakiramdam ko. Alam ko kasing merong mangyayaring ayoko sa araw nato. Ideya pa lang nakakabad trip na, dagdagan pa isang text message mula sa taong yon na mababago ang schedule ng pagkikita nio. ansaya diba? sira ang plano ko para sa buong araw.. minsan na nga lang maglleave- napurnada pa! good morning to me!

Should be Schedule:
* 9 am - meet my former HR head, punta sa SSS para mag-ayos ng mga dokumentong kelangan ayusin
* 12 pm - lunch
* 1 pm - mall
* 3 pm - go to my dentist
* 4:30 pm - go to a doctor - check up
* 6pm - home sweet home!

Instead Schedule:
* 9 am - lunch
* 11 am - lumabas ng bahay - hindi alam kung san pupunta.

Sana pumasok nalang ako, at least may masayang kausap sa opisina. Pero kelangan kong samantalahin ang once-in-a-blue-moon-leave ko.
Dapat rin nanahimik na lang ako sa boarding house,, pero grabeng nakakabato ang presensya ng tv na walang cable at ng kamang nanghihikayat na matulog.

Sumakay ako ng jeep mula muntinlupa, hindi ko alam kung san pupunta.. matapos ang halos kalahating oras na byahe nakarating ako ng binan, pinababa na ko ng driver. sumakay ulit ako ng jeep. tulala mode. ewan ko, gusto ko lang bumyahe, mawala, mapagod, lumayo. ang dami daming laman ng utak ko kahit labas-pasok lang naman ang mga ito..

* ayokong makita ang dati kong hr head at mag-ayos ng mga inaamag na mga files sa sss. hindi ko na trabaho un! na-turn over ko na sa kanya, bakit ako pa rin hinahanap nio?? isa pa, ayoko nang balikan ang mga bagay na tapos na sa akin.
* Wala na kong pera - ang haba ng August, ayaw pa matapos! ggrrr...
* gusto kong manood ng senate investigation ng pnp - di ko magawa, waalng cable!
* namimiss ko na ung dalawang close friends ko! ung isa serious sa pag-aaral, ung isa naman serious na sa girlfriend. wala na kong kakulitan, wala na kong kasabay kumain ng dinner, wala na kong kahagikhikan, wala na kong kausap ng malaliman. i must admit, namimiss ko na sila., nakakamiss din pala sila! wahehehe...
* love life ko - major major wala nang nagiging progress! TSE!!! :)
* at marami pang iba.

* 1pm - napunta ako sa cabuyao,, sa isang monastery doon.. madalas ako dun dati nung taga roon pa ko. Poor Claire Monastery. pag gusto kong ipahinga ang isip ko, dun ako napunta,, 3 years na since narelocate ako, kaya ngayon lang ako nakabalik dun. nagulat ako sa sarili ko, hindi ko pinlano, dun nalang ako dinala ng jeep. sarap talagang kausap ni Lord,, parang nagiging okay ang lahat. thank you po. :)

* 2:45 pm nakarating na ko agad sa sss office. dumating ung dati kong mam 3:10, not bad. sa lahat ng nangyare,, ayos ang kinalabasan ng meeting. mahabang proseso pero ang maganda nasimulan na. yeah!

* 6 pm - check up- buti nahabol ko pa ung isang doctor.. kaso wala na ung dentist ko.

andaming nangyare sa buong maghapon,, napagod ako kakabyahe,, amoy usok na ko!
minsan magugulat kana lang sa pwedeng mangyare kahit na alam mo na ang dapat iexpect. masaya din pala makareceive ng mga little surprises mula kay lord. parang sinasabi niya na: "my dear, dont under estimate me"

just when i thought that today is gonna be an undesirable day,, but it turned out to be a meaningful one!
Hanggang sa susunod na trip ride!

Currently Playing: You Already Know by Train

Living in this world full of expectations is never easy.
Its a tragic battle within yourself in living the right way or the other.
Most of us were taught as we grew up to be good persons - I for one.
I was raised to be responsible in every aspects of life.

But I also believe that learning from experience is truly has a lot to offer. Circumstances are bringing you to such experience and it requires good decisions. But what if you're in a middle of doing the good and bad? And it is when you hear the world is telling you to take the risk of jumping into a cliff that you know that will bring you to danger.
Most people will say, "How would you know if you won't try it?"
And when you did, comforting voices fill in your ears saying, "Its okay, its normal, you did the right thing." yet deep inside of you its really not.
Suddenly you're drowning in confusions and disturbance.

Its hard.
Like for instance, when you realize that what you needed and wanted in this world is to love and be loved. But what you did was a terrible thing and you messed up,, pushing what you really wanted and needed far far away. And on that moment, you realize that what you thought right was in fact a big fat mistake.

"You'll never know the right way til you're lost" - Unknown

What a crap!




Currently Playing: I Caught Myself by Paramore and Loser by Beck

"You don't have to be a beer drinker to play darts, but it helps." ~Author Unknown

I'm not an alcoholic.
Maybe im getting there.
Im trying to be happy - I am.
But I heard happiness is just a state of mind-
guess its right.

I wanna drink
I wanna talk
I wanna be heard
I wanna be understood
I wanna sleep
I wanna forget

This will only take for a while,,
till I'm able to figure out what i'm gonna do with my life..


Currently Playing: Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

I was in the midst of chaos in Puerto Galera during the sacred days that every Christian is observing. I promised myself to have a soul searching there in the presence of the sand, sun, trees, and cool air, my sanctuary indeed. But unfortunately, the opposite happened. Summer night outs, extreme sports, exposure to bisexuals’ way of life, presence of lust, vices… I was moved.
As I went home, I was in my unpleasant mood. Though I definitely enjoyed everything that we did there, I wasn’t able to do what I’m supposed to do (I wasn’t even able to open the book that I brought). So as I sit in the sofa and turned the tv on, I searched for something noteworthy. And there in a cable channel, I heard this man preaching (www.davidjeremiah.org). The topic wasn’t clear to me. He just gave me some points to reflect on:

* How’s my faith?? Is it empty?
* Why do I tolerate things now that I don’t even consider before? How do I find comfort in accepting things like that?
* Is my spirit stagnant? What happened to its discovered purpose?
* Where’s my focus???


I was disturbed by these questions. They darted on me bulls’ eye in my heart.

I observed my family. I realized that we weren’t that religious, although my Mom imposed on us to be dependent in the Lord, but still her time was short. Our family, as I can see now, is just simple. We celebrate the good times, we get mad at each other once in awhile but we’re able to talk it through, we watch tv together, we drink alcohol at least every week, we are free to do whatever we pleased, we all have our freedom given the consequences that corresponds to it, we love each other but hardly express it and most of all, respect dominates in us. We respect each others’ attitude, opinion and point of view in every life’s aspect. The thing is – where am I supposed to stand? Given the fact that my family isn’t so much concern about they’re spirituality (or maybe I don’t know).. Who then I must follow???


I clearly know the message from the preacher. And though its hard,, I know for sure the answers to those questions. Of course I do,, I was once nourished by teachings from Singles for Christ. But how can I do it?? Without the support system that I need, my family and SFC Community, and as I am surrounded now by a lot of manipulators around me,, teaching me the modern norms and standards, how can I get away from them?? How can I stand firm in my convictions? How can I be more focus on God’s purpose in my life?

It’s complex. Well, nobody said following Christ is going to be easy. One thing is for sure, as God gave me this wisdom,, I am RESPONSIBLE. And as the Lord promised that His grace is greater than our needs. I just hope that I can go back in the heart of worship soon.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Currently Playing: One Way by Hillsong
"You are the Way, the Truth, and the Light. We live by Faith and not by Sight. For you, we live it all for You!"

Its been a year since we moved to San Pablo,, and since I started renting and be living far away from my Dad and brother. It’s already been a year since my life had changed drastically. God, it’s already been a year.. How come I didn’t notice? It’s been a year,, what has become of me? I don’t know if I’ve been successful in my soul searching or otherwise… I’m having difficulty finding myself again… I almost always feel like I’m lost. Looking back over the past year,, I don’t know if I’m gonna laugh or have myself a knock out punch.. I’m 25 years old now and it’s hard to admit to myself that… I’m really lost - when I know for a fact that I can’t be lost, that I’m always in control. But I’m finding my way back to the circulation. I’m choosing to follow this path and I’m getting better now. Trust me. Hmmm,, let’s just say that I’m in “work in progress” now. haha! labo no?! I’m really getting near to craziness or whatever you call it. I’m finding comfort now in reading books, cross stitching, gym-ing, listening to hard rock songs through my earphones in its maximum volume til is hurts my ears. Still, I hardly understand what’s going on.

“People are going to disappoint you, I get that… I kind of expect that, but I dont know, what if you wake up one day and realize that you’re the disappointment. ” - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

Maybe I am… it’s not hard to see… It’s just hard to accept the stubborn fact.

There in the middle of happy people partying, I only see wine…
In between sound and noise, I only hear music…
In the midst of confusion and tranquility there I shed my cry…
Carry on…

Currently Playing:
One Tree Hill Soundtrack esp. I don’t want to be by Gavin deGraw and When the Stars Go Blue by Tyler Hilton
Catalyst by Anna Nalick
Wait by Get Set Go
Breathe You In by Thousand Foot Krutch

P.S.
you might be puzzled.. from my last post I mentioned that I’ll weed out my other unnecessary baggage, to be at peace and be a blessing to other people. Sorry to disappoint you, I wish I could but I can’t help it. Well, maybe that’s the way it is. Truly, it’s hard to say you’re okay when you’re not. Don’t be deceived. My life is an understatement.

Reckon
I’ve been spending a lot of time or even days pondering what just had happened to me since mid August.
Time is exceptionally running in a flash.
So fast… I can’t even catch my breath.
So rapid… It seems like few minutes just past from last week.
I don’t know what to say anymore,, a lot of things had happened.
Every day is all different than others.
New experiences, new adventures, new acquaintances.. new found realizations…
Nothing seems repetitive, nothing to complain about, haha!
Everyday is a surprise,, how cool is that?!

My New Hideout
Before anything else, i wanna tell you about my new hideout. For those of you who doesn’t know,, my first hideout was in our old place In Panorama Ville, Sta. Rosa. It took me time before I find a place to be my new hideout. And now, I fin’lly found her. It’s a good simple place, near the school so somehow I feel a bright ambiance especially when I hear children’s voices every morning. Our room is lovely and warm,, perfect for our tired body after work. I’m with my former dorm mates who are now like my own sisters, accompanied by new friends/tambays that I can have cool conversations with and share loud hard laughs. Astig! I’m really striving to be more organized this time. An organized room mate is really a big factor. Well, I’m really trying, and I believe I’m learning… It’s never too late to change my bad rotten side, right?! hhmmm… wish me luck!

In The Absence Of Your Company

I’m facing a lot of revelations now. From my friends, the people around me…I’m quite worried. It’s just so unexpected, it caught me by surprise.. Its makes me wanna say, teka, isa-isa lang! But i can’t do anything about that, nothing that I can hamper the outcome. Its hard coz its coming from different people close to me, revealing things that challenges my convictions and perspectives. I know I should keep an open mind.

“I’m surrounded by liars, everywhere i turn I’m surrounded by Impostors,everywhere i turn…

I’m surrounded by Identity crisis, everywhere i turn

Am i the only one who noticed?
I cant be the only one concerned?
I don’t wanna be anything other that what I’ve been trying to be lately.
all i wanna do is think of me and i have peace of mind…

I don’t wanna be anything other than me.” - I Don’t Wanna Be by Gavin deGraw

I don’t know why I get easily affected by the circumstances divulged in front of my eyes. I don’t know for what reason but I get disappointed. And the disappointment doesn’t irritate me anymore but - it saddens me. Appallingly this is very new to me. That’s why right now, I’m running to the people with light heart and full of positive force - to make me smile as I start the day or at least before I sleep. And I’m thankful. As I reckon back how time had rapidly passed, I was terribly surprised to notice that now.. I have nobody to talk with about my concerns, my inner conflicts and even the most stupid Ideas I got in mind. It seems that a big part of me is lacking. It sinks to me just now - should I really have to get used to this? Where are you?

“At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world, some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just not facing the truth. some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one” - Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill

hello there… musta, anu balita?? hehe…

im spending my days just in a calm state.. haha, hindi ako warfreak ngayon haha! well, masaya naman patambay tambay kun san san… its cool, though.. e, aun lang ang kaya e… footlong footlong… squid balls, prends prays… and my new craving… PENOY na may Sabaw!! woohoo!! dbest!!

im spending my weekends in our home…watching Onetreehill… aun addict na talaga… sobrang kareer.. walang patawad,, umaangal na nga ung dad ko e! but its ok lang, e dahil sa love niya ko, pinagbibigyan na lang niya ko… ahihi! aun, paganun ganun, nood ng dvds… nood ng fpj films para makibonding sa mga kamag-anakan (i could say na fpj films are really good!)… then kinig ng Urbandub,, Hopiamanipopcorn songs, soundtrips, tambay with my millimeter friends.. tumawa ng tumawa, magjamming.. the rest of the week,, sumasaya na rin… kahit walang celfone… haha, im back to the primitive time.. ang simple lang.. pero namimiss ko rin ang makatanggap ng mga quotes kung kani-kanino, yeah! saka nga pala ansaya kasi aus na ung friendster account ko.. simple nalang ren.. saka marami narin akong bagong mga nadidiscover sa net.. which is good..

well.. my birthday is fast approaching and now im busy thinking how i want to spend it.. tomorrow will be carlo’s birthday already and he’s planning to have a night-out celebration somewhere in alabang… hmmm… i must admit… im more than excited for his celeb than mine! how is that?! haha! i guess i want to have a simple celeb with officemates (who else, maiba naman, haha!)… basta.. enjoy lang ako ngayon… tawa lang.. agos lang… ngiti lang… everythings gonna be alright kahit nasa gitna ng people-always-leave-lonesome-syndrome ko.. whatever that means…

sige, unitl then! *_*

Currently Playing: Superstar ng Buhay ko by Swissy and Kung kailangan mo ako by Session Road.. (wala lang.. un ung nasa streaming audio e.. oldskul but astig!)

I counted the days covered with sadness for some uncertain reasons. And its good to see myself moving on and rising. I find it quite ridiculous to reread my past blogs,
though it was my own way of unloading myself from my so-called burden, somehow
I can now smile at them. Its refreshing! Its nice to learn things as you
experienced them, its true. Its more wonderful than any books I’ve read before
or any stories I’ve heard from someone else. Its feels great to know you’re having time to overcome your challenge. Though hard but it’s a learning process. I get to know myself better.

What I’ve learned: Let it flow! Let it flow! Let it flow! Dati Im asking myself how to deal with changes by really trying.. well, I got a lot of answers but I think its more meaningful now.


* Its okay to cry or
even breakdown.,, ok lang yan! E anu ngayon?! Ok lang paminsan-minsan mawalan
ng gana sa pagkain! Even though you have nothing to lose anymore!

* Its alright to let
yourself be in “senti moods” to listen to heart-breaking songs or to torture
yourself of thinking of anything that reminds you of the pain. Lilipas rin yan!


* At times ren its ok
to be in denial — e hindi mo kayang ipakita eh! It doesn’t mean you’re
already “plastic” – its just that you cant handle the situations right yet. Its
okay for a moment to just deny it! As the matter of fact,, mas nagiging totoo
ka nga sa sarili mo na hindi mo kaya. Kesa naman you will pretend na carry mo –
pero hindi pala. Ang plastic dun e kung “nagpapakatotoo” ka para sa ibang tao,,
para anu, to please them? Poor thing.

* Its okay to have fun
– even if it costs you! Isipin mu nalang, “Once in a lifetime lang to!” haha!

* Its fine to maximize
the volume of your headset as you listen to your most fave rock songs – or even
your most senti “karelate” korni songs
– hmmm.. how will they know?? You’re in your headset anyway! (kumusta naman dyan toni??!)

* Its okay to be
late.. I mean,, consecutively.. (Ouch!). Especially when you have wonderful
reasons to to stay up late like having cool conversations, gimiks, meeting,,
etc. (will you excuse me, please?! please!)

* Its okay to lose
control once in a while even if your friends say “hindi bagay sau!” (hep hep!
Hindi niyo lang alam!) ok rin kasi minsan e may pagnanais ka na malimutan
panandalian ang mga problema.. Go! (just be sure you’re with your most trusted
allies!).

* Its also okay to
feel you’re alone,, feeling na tinalikuran ka at biglang napag-iwanan.. kasi
kung hindi.. anu nang susunod na kabanata? Pano kana kung ikaw nalang? Panu mo
malalaman? Kaya mo ba?

*Most importantly, its
alright to be half empty half full for the moment. As the experience taught me,
its cool to be empty and its lovely to be hopeful! It is somehow a pivotal
point in time I believe every human being should feel, to know what’s really
essential as a living thing.


When I’m down, I allow myself to flow with the natural process. Its not easy because not everybody will understand.. it takes a few good friends around you who are willing to catch you when you fall. Its such a privilege to share my life with my friends, to contribute to their being as they contribute to mine. Its such a great way of sharing,.. of loving. Whoa! Im getting way too intellectual! J Im not saying na ok na ko.. mejo kumalma lang ang mga tidal waves pero any moment pwede kang lamunin ng tsunami! But with the Lord God who strengthens me and the lessons I’ve learned – I am more equipped – armed for the battle! I know little by little I can overcome it – wala namang majic na isang click lang “charan!” – ok na.. it’s always a process,, a journey! And now,, looking at my dreams, at my hopes.. im ready to rise again!

Sweet journey! ^_^

Guess none. I’m not with myself nowadays. I could feel an indescribable peace and hell at the moment. I am inspired to do a lot of things but everything is only in my mind. Nothing has been materialized. I have a lot reasons to feel sorry for myself but I know I have a choice – to make or ruin my everyday. And I chose to make it. I set my mind to stand up in every situation that I can probably fall. I set my mind that I can overcome every negative thoughts im encountering by smiling back at them. I’m ok. Not that happy. Not that sad. I’m in control. All I know is that – I’m not growing. Its like I’m trapped in the middle of wherever. Its kinda hard for me to find meanings in what I do. Its hard to think where I am going. I could say that I am tired of dealing with changes, tired of observing whats going on around me,, tired of dreaming,, maybe. Hehe! A fact that a lot of friends who knows me well would say that its really not me. Or maybe I am – still me. Maybe its my other side. My deep hollow side. Nah! Not that bad,, just not well. Probably bad, yes. I guess I need to be like this, hopefully not for a long time. Nothing new. Nothing sweet. Nothing dark. Only awkward. But I believe its okay.

Learned something?? Unfortunately I have nothing to give today, maybe next time. Everyday is a winding road.

“I am a wave.. flowing and flowing.. the wind keeps on pushing and pulling.. and it doesn’t matter.. I just follow. I face the sky,, the pleasant clouds, the bright sun, the lovely calmness of moon and stars at night… waiting.. flowing… freely.. till I can fin’lly touch the shore..”

..both
mystifying but then profoundly understandable. What a feeling. I am half empty
for I have to let go of my priceless possessions, living memories, the simplest
joys, silent refuge, my beautiful hideout. And the hardest part is that I cant do
anything about it. Half full – for something to look forward to, a prosperous
future awaits for me… the hope of a new and better memories to cherish.. of
adventure.. of love.. I heard a voice whispering in my ear telling me that
contentment is about to arrive only if I accept what I comprehend, and then
I’ll get full, which I know I haven’t yet. Hope it’ll be soon. Can’t bear the
pain anymore.

This past few days, I’ve been quite happy in
spite the difficulties. Truly I am. But there’s a fear in me that fate will turn
its back to me and leave me again as confused, lonely human being in the
planet. But tonight I’ve decided to
just set my mind – to be happy – happy as I can be as I cherish every minute of
that blissful state. To help add even an inch towards getting full.



When
can you say that enough is enough? If
you know for yourself that you want nothing less but more. Not empty, not
half.. but full. 120706

Yes, I understand now that
whatever life brings, there is a purpose which only happen to be unrealized yet
but it will eventually follows. I always say to myself that anywhere the wind
blows, it doesn’t matter.. I can get through. I know I can. Guess im in the
so-called “process” of moving on,, punyeta! whatever that means!


It seems that my life is in
chaos. The emptiness I feel is caused by several problems settling in my way
that turned my direction in a different path. Trying to focus and yet wanting
to lose control. Thinking for a solution but hopelessness and sadness gets in
the way. Faint. A month or two from now things will be all different and hard
for me but still I haven’t got any plan or even options for myself. Still in
the state of shock? Yeah, maybe a couple of weeks now.. ugh! I allow myself to.
Wail.



How to deal with changes by really trying…


As much as possible I try to
avoid being senti,, I had enough especially during my insomniac hours! Im
losing my appetite and whats keeping me alive and kicking are coffee and
cigarettes (exajj!). Sometimes I want to shout out loud, to smash things, to
throw everything out of the door and watch fragile things broke into pieces!
Arghh! I just imagine myself doing those but never got the courage to do so!
(takot ko nalang sa daddy ko!! Hehe!) TV got into my nerves,, I cant leave the
remote alone. Work and work in the office,, chat and chat and laugh and laugh,
I really need it I guess, otherwise insanity may come along. Thanks for the friends
who are still around and even more challenged to handle such senselessness (the
band-aid-brigade as I call it). My current theme song: hand in my pocket – “Im
lost but im hopeful.. Im free but im focused.. im green but im wise.. im sad but im laughing.. yeah! So what it all comes down to, is there
anything gonna be fine, fine, fine? Coz I have one hand in my pocket and the
other one is giving a peace sign!”