I was a little early and there was no traffic. As early as 8:40 im already at Pacita and the thought of going to San Pedro Church before I work made me smile. At the office almost everybody greeted me warmly and I replied with great thanks and smile. Hmmm.. Everybody seems so nice today, I thought. Then after a while, I noticed the presents waiting for me in my desk.. whoa! How thoughtful – sweet thanks! The day went smoothly ordinary. Work..chat..eat..laugh..eat..chat.. I was – AM – HAPPY!
Today,, I received some surprises,, do I really deserve these??, I thought. But there are some other things that I believe I deserve but didn’t happen. Can’t help but ask myself why. Hmmm… here I am again, having this negative thing in my mind.. Im trying to avoid it as mush as I can… noise for me now is a form of sweet refuge,, away from all the bad thoughts, bad memories that’s so busy distracting me by their incessant flashbacking. I need to comfort myself.. from whom but myself shall I get comfort as I need it often? I feel so hollow. Now asking myself again, do I deserve this?? Then a voice from afar answered… why not?? >> Yeah,, why not! I really don’t know whats wrong with me,, I guess that’s the frightening part. Maybe, once again,, im back to being a confused-lonely-human-being-in-the-planet.. I thought so! How ridiculous! When will you learn madj?? When will you learn from your decisions? Haven’t you learned enough? Haaayyy… so where will I go from here? Honestly,, (a confession to make),, I somehow envy my friends… coz now they’re busy working on to the path that they wanted to pursue.. Things are getting clearer as time goes by for them.. their dreams, plans,, future.. the way they want it to be.. and it seems so far from me until now. What happened?? Im supposed to be living a life now?? What is life for me, by the way? hehe!Well, I can say that right now,, I need fight like hell to be alive coz I am! I need to continually search for meaning, to eventually find myself.. and it means celebrating my birthday year after year, just like today! Ugh! Im still at my half empty half full stage. Okay! I wish I still have a glass of wine to drink!
But at the end of the day, its still surprising to know how the Lord turned my day so extraordinarily ordinary. I remembered what He told me this morning,, I may have a lot of frustrations, disappointments and downfalls,, I may not have what I wanted at this very moment… I may feel devastated, defenseless and incapable to a lot of aspects of my life right now,, but to know that I have Him beside me,, like He always does… I will be still. Here’s His surprise for me: “The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right.” It took a while for me to absorb and digest what He’d said. It made me refocus my mind - to stop being selfish. To work on to what I’ve started and wait till He announces His next instructions. Yeah! That’s my Father,, filling me up with joy everytime He reveals each surprises. Alright God! I should know.. You’re teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight.., and in the right time He’ll reveal his perfect plan for me.